Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
October 1, 2005
Ah drunk people will they ever say what they mean? Below you'll find some common drunk phrases and what they translate to in sober language. I hope this helps you gauge whether or not it's a good idea to let your buddy in the car when he claims he's "totally fine, dude."
(Drunk Term = Sober Translation)
Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly
= Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.
Man, I'm hungry
= Man, if I don't eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar again.
You're really pretty
= I'm going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.
Want to watch a movie?
= Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?
I'm soooo drunk
= I'm planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.
I just, like, want to help animals, ya know?
= I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?
You're my best friend, man
= You're my only friend in arm's reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.
I don't want to ruin the friendship
= You're a nice girl but you're very heavy and I'd rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.
This is the
night of my
= This is the
night of my
Let's take a walk, this bar is crowded
= I prefer my handjobs outdoors.
I'm totally fine, dude
= I'm totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.
What's up, Bro?
= What's up, guy-whose-name-I-can't-ever-remember?
Who wants to dance?
= Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?
Hey, did you get the notes from Bio?
= Hey, I'm going to ask you about class because I'm too scared to ask you out.
I had, like, ten beers before I even came out
= I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.
Dude, I didn't even make it out of the dorms last night!
= Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1
with her last night!
Now, seriously, who wants to watch a movie?
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.