So you finally got the nerve to ask out that hot girl in your anthropology class and when she turned you down you decided to settle for that weird girl who sits on the other side of you with the short haircut and the lisp. When you found out she was a lesbian you went back to your dorm to kill yourself; this is when you discovered that your roommate's hot cousin was coming to visit. Now it's on! After a long night of party hopping and walking through the Wendy's drive-through like a bad-ass your roommate finally passes out, leaving you and his increasingly beautiful cousin all alone on the futon. If you're a true P.I.M.P.P. (Professional I-pod Master Play-list Planner) like me you've already prepared for this moment by making the perfect mix CD. The play-list might look a little something like this:
1. Dave Matthews Band: Crash. This song automatically sets the mood before your roommate's cousin even realizes what's happening. Memories of making out with her ex-boyfriend/random strangers during DMB concerts flood her mind, and she is rendered powerless against the romantic melody of the song. Dave's soothing vocals will act as the ultimate aphrodisiac as you try to initiate a little conversation. Ask her about her hopes, dreams and fears. Ask her about her first kiss" just to make sure she isn't a lesbian"
2. Enrique Iglesias: Escape. She might giggle just a little bit when this song starts to play, but that's the idea, just like roofies are the key to a women's pants, laughter is the key to any woman's heart. Soon enough the soft electric guitar will take over and you won't need any explanation as to why this song is on your CD. When Enrique hits the high "C" slide your arm around her waist, and put your free arm on her knee, if she then raises her leg over yours (Like you should be expecting.) coolly move your hand up to her thigh. Now you find yourself in a glorious little pretzel of human extremities, see how well you can tangle yourselves together, maybe you'll get stuck!
3. Eagle Eyed Cherry: Save Tonight. This song will seal the deal. Just listen to the lyrics! This song was written for you and your roommate's hot cousin. When the chorus begins to come in whisper, "I wish you didn't have to leave tomorrow, I wish that you could stay." She won't know why, but she will wish this too, and the lyrics of this song will take on a whole new meaning. Sort of like, "You and me, and a bottle of wine." It will be you and her, and a bottle of Captain, and her cousin sleeping 3 feet away.
4. The Verve: Bittersweet Symphony. This is where you make your move. Allow the violin play a little bit as you look longingly into her eyes. Lean in just as the drums kick in, she wouldn't even be able to resist her cousin at a moment like this, let alone his totally sexy roommate. Clothes will be flying off as the first chorus plays. "I can't change my mind. No, no, no" Richard Ashcroft will croon, and you and your roommates kin won't change your mind about consummating the dirty deed on the very futon you and your roommie bought together.
You will wake up in the arms of your roommate's hot cousin; she will gaze at you adoringly and thank you for the most romantic night of her life. "No," you will say, "Thank you." As you get up to walk her out of the dorm slyly hit the play button on the boom box one last time. Hootie and The Blowfish's 1994 hit song, "Only Wanna Be With You" will come on. As you share a teary goodbye the hot cousin will promise to attend your school next fall. You will make a solemn vow to wait for her, and to call and write everyday. All these promises will be vapid and empty but who cares!? You totally just fucked your roommate's cousin!