Remember Junior year when that guy in a suit came to your school and showed you a slide show and gave you a pamphlet with all those oversized, shiny rings? Now if you're a total tool you might also remember getting way too excited and rampantly flipping through the packet before promising to go halfsies with your parents just so you could get the "most bitchingest ring ever". Well I'm here to forgive you. I understand, you got caught up in the moment, you probably thought most of your friends would do it, maybe you were high? Look, we all make mistakes, just don't make this worse by actually wearing that stupid ass looking ring.
Much like communism and sex buddies, the class ring sounds very good in theory. Something to bond with your friends over, a keepsake of those awkward, acne filled but somehow glorious high school years, perhaps even something to show your grandkids one day, maybe they will appreciate it if they're total losers. Let's face it though guy, unless you won a Super Bowl or World Series you just can't pull off a ring that size. Not even if you're wearing a suit like the guy that sold it to you, not even in your graduation gown. Nothing, and I really do mean NOTHING can make that ring look cool. You can do a back flip on a motorcycle over a shark tank while 20 topless cheerleaders chant your name and I will still boo your pathetic ass for wearing that unnecessarily large class ring.
I want to make perfectly clear that there are no exceptions to this rule. On more than one occasion I have found myself making fun of class rings when one of my friends is like, "Hey, I'm wearing my class ring." In this situation I have always said something like, "Oh I'm not talking about rings like that, you can pull that off, Carl." But I'm lying Carl, you can't pull that off. And also your haircut is stupid, and you wear the same shirt all the time, and your parents are dead. Now although most of Carl's misfortune is pretty funny, the fact that he wears the class ring is no laughing matter. Your bulky and awkward class ring makes your friends not want to you hang with you, it also repels women and gives you cancer, hence the death of Carl's parents.
I hope I've been helpful to all you ring wearers out there. I think all you needed was some tough love, and if this article didn't do the trick you're gonna get some tougher love. Because the next asshole I see with a class ring on his finger is getting kicked in the nuts. I'm not kidding, my foot's hitting your junk, and then you'll be sorry you ever wore that stupid ring. Or maybe you'll just punch me, but I wish you wouldn't, because that ring would definitely hurt a lot.