Today is Yom Kippur. Now, let's be honest, you don't know what that is, do you? In fact, you probably don't even know anything about the Jewish religion or her many dozens of devoted followers. It's OK, you racist pig, we're here to help. We've made all of our writers work overtime to point out some common misconceptions about the faith. Now, take a minute to learn an untrue thing or two about the great religion that gave us Moses, Paula Abdul and half the Beastie Boys.


Dan Levy – Jewish teenagers were the first teens to take a stance against drinking and driving after a young Jewish rabbi drove a Jewish van drunk into a Jewish house in a Jewish area in 1982.



John Roy – The Jews control which callers win all radio contests.



Justin Johnson – There are more Jews per capita in Hollywood than there are in Israel.



Jeff Rubin – Even though nobody in the band is Jewish, almost all Jews love Creedence Clearwater Revival. At Yeshiva University, students can take a 3 credit elective called "The Music of Creedence Clearwater Revival and the Talmud."


Amir Blumenfeld – It's actually spelled "ju-ish".



Ben Gleib – To get more members, Jews tried to popularize the phrase "Jews or Lose."




Max Lance – Jews have enormous penises, but promote circumcisions so as to not offend gentiles.



Matt Boor – Jewish people are filled with crunchy peanuts, smooth caramel, and creamy nougat.



Mindy Raf – If a young Jewish girl says the name "Jessica Simpson" aloud, she will die before her 16th birthday.



Chris Wylde – They live in a tree and drink gummy beary juice so they can bounce real high (on their asses).



Chris Richman – Originally, the city of Hollywood wanted to give Jewish actors and actresses Stars of David on their walk of fame.



Jake Hurwitz – Jewish people can breathe not only under water, but in outer space as well.



Jesse Costello – Jews have been busy cloning Sammy Davis Jr. since his 1990 death for a magical assault on all five senses entitled, "700 Sammys," scheduled to debut on Broadway in Spring 2006!



Tom Sunnergren – 94% of Jews have either killed a man in cold blood or eaten pastrami!



Melanie Ethand – Despite their name, Juji Fruits are not kosher.



Thorton Papadopoulos – Most Jews do not eat pork, but almost all of them eat dachshunds.



Sarah Schneider – If you cut off the arm of a Jew, it will regenerate itself. Not only that, but a new Jew will form from the severed arm.



Ricky Van Veen – The Jewish religion has an official football team (the Atlanta Falcons, of which they own 50.5%).



Streeter Seidell – Jewish people love irony but don't understand sarcasm.


And finally, Ethan – who may have misunderstood the assignment – gives us one certainly false Jewish stereo type.


Ethan Trex – Panasonicstein?