Going away to school is a big change. You're away from your home and family, you're thrown into a building full of strangers and you're overwhelmed with work from all your classes. Things can certainly be difficult; you need to find time for studying, making new friends and adjusting to pooping in stalls next to other people. Commonly overlooked, however, is making time to beat it. We've all gotta do it, but most of us share the room with someone else, and although you may share a lot of personal information with this kid, designating times for self-pleasuring doesn't typically come up. Lucky for you I am awesome at making time for masturbation, just check the history file on my computer. I survived this far without getting caught in the midst. Here are a few helpful tips on when and when not to beat it.


Your roommate is in the shower: Negative, too risky. You might be "certain" that he always takes long showers, but you never know, friend. The hot water could suddenly run out, cutting his shower short. Or the showers could all be taken, sending him right back to your room to wait. Zip it up! There will be time for you and your little buddy, just not now.

Your roommate is at class: Perfect. You are running the risk of his class maybe being cancelled, but the chances of that are slim. Just to be safe though, wait a good 10 to 15 minutes after he's gone, just to be sure he's not coming back. Once that window of time has passed, go nuts. Literally!

Your roommate is at lunch/dinner: I dunno about this one… It may depend on how far the dining hall is from your dorm. Still, I'm just not comfortable with it; meal time is usually a bee hive of activity all over the dorm building, best not to get too excited. Let's leave it in the pants while the roommie gets his grub on.

Your roommate went home for the weekend to do laundry" or maybe his grandma died: Awesome! You're home free for the next few days. You'll know for sure when your roommate signs online from his house with that cliché profile that just says, "home". My advice to you during this time is to tell everyone on your floor that you're sick, that way you can turn off the lights and lock yourself in your room from Friday to Sunday. Happy whacking!

Your roommate is asleep: You sick fuck. What the hell is wrong with you?

Your roommate is at a party: Unless he's at a party in another town, or better yet, state, I wouldn't do it. The party could get broken up, or it could just suck, and he'd be heading back to the dorm. Don't let him catch you playing with your thang, and c'mon dude, you should be out partying with him anyway.

Your roommate is whacking it: Clearly you have a very different relationship with your roommate than I had with mine. Go ahead I guess, but you're not my friend, and I find you to be a very strange and unsettling person.

The song "Hungry like the Wolf" by Duran Duran comes on: How could you not get a throbbing boner every time you hear this song? I don't care if you're in the middle of having sex when this song comes on, jump off that bitch and whack it!

So there it is, when and when not to beat it. You should already have all the necessities: a good internet connection – for easy browsing, a handful of tissues – for quick clean up, a bottle of Jergens hand lotion – for realistic feeling (and soft skin), and if you've been paying attention at all you should have a time set aside for your pleasuring needs. Now all you need is a hard-on! And if you need help with that I think there's a picture of me at the top of this article that usually turns me on.