Within moments of meeting my new roommate I had deduced something horrible, something terrifying and unusually common in today's college dormitories; I was living with a douchebag.
After living with said douche for 8 weeks I have been able to observe a douche in its natural habitat. I have developed the following quiz so that you the reader can identify douches on college campuses across the nation. And after identifying a douche you can further evaluate the degree of douche-baggery he exudes.
1. My roommate plays (A) _________ music (B)_________.
I. All the time
2. My roommate puts his collar (A)__________ and wears (B)________ jeans.
III. Owns no collared shirts
3. My roommate watches (A)____________ and loves (B)____________.
I. Amazing race: Family
II. Laguna Beach
III. Sports Center
I. Tim McGraw/Kenny Chesney
II. Pat Robertson
4. My roommate (A)________ my stuff and (B)__________ it.
III. Asks for
5. My roommate flashes a (A)__________ hand signal in pictures.
I. West side
III. Doesn't make lame hand signals
6. My roommate has (A)_________ diamond earrings.
Check your results below:
0-4 "I" responses
Lucky you, you do not live with a douche.
5-7 "I" responses
Your roommate is a low level douche, somewhere akin to David Spade. Your roommate probably has a side kick that he is neither cool nor funny with out. Your roommate is a douche but he is easily mocked and makes for comical discussion when he is not present. If you want to get a good laugh out of this douche you should bend the brim on his Oakland A's and Atlanta Braves baseball hats (He's never seen either of those cities). He will probably react by throwing a conniption fit and sodomizing a watermelon.
8-9 "I" responses
Your roommate is the Hurricane Andrew of douches. Your room is plagued by moisture and high winds from his leviathan labia. Plus there's also a lot of sand. He probably tells people how he loves the Red Sox and has "" had this hat for like six years." Ok- go buy some more Tide, I think your hat needs one more run through the wash before she believes that steaming pile of shit. The best part of your roommate's day is when he plagiarizes Stuart Scott to one of his professors during a conversation about his lack of attendance.
A solid 10 "I" responses
Congratulations you are living with a total douche. You may have already known this from the tell tale odor of a Summer's Eve. He'll probably tell you reading is for losers-then put down his Cargo magazine spray himself with Tag body spray, pull out the key to his 1992 Audi with $2,000 BBS rims, shot gun a Lightning Bolt Energy Drink, then go "get buff" while referring to himself as "cock diesel". When he gets back from the weight room he'll pre game while wearing white jeans and a cowboy hat. Lloyd Banks can be heard blaring up to 4 doors away. Approaching the douche at this point is not recommended-he may spill Vlad and Amp mix on you and his brand new Lacoste polo and force him to remove it-showing you his black wife beater- and replace it with one half a shade lighter while whistling to any song by Nickelback.