Despite the fact that I have been going to various colleges for almost eight years now, I have never lived in a dorm, having always lived in an apartment close to school. I never had to live among my fellow classmates. Therefore, I feel like I am missing out on a major part of the college experience.

So I thought to myself, how would my college life be different if I did live in a dorm?

In real life:
Wake up in my own bed, refreshed, ready to face the day.
If I lived in a dorm:
Become shocked out of sleep by the realization that there is someone else in this bed with me. Say a silent prayer that the thing next to me is, at the very least, a woman this time.


In real life:
Prepare for the day in my own bathroom.
If I lived in a dorm:
Crawl out of bed and venture to the community bathrooms. Fight back the immediate urge to vomit upon witnessing the sub-human conditions of the facility. Decide against all bodily functions and replace showering with splashing face with water and covering the stench of body odor with FeBreeze.

In real life:
Select an outfit from a closet full of clothes, which I know are clean because I have access to free use of a washer and dryer.
If I lived in a dorm:
Try to select an outfit from the off the floor, an outfit which hasn't been clean since the last time I visited my parents house and they did my laundry. That was upwards of two months ago. Finally, give up and declare today "Dia de no pantalones!"

In real life:
Get to school, take my time getting to class.
If I lived in a dorm:
Debate if I should go to my first class. With the aid/pressure of my roommate Skeeter (that's right, my fake roommate's name is Skeeter, wanna fight about it?) decide to skip all classes today and instead watch Family Guy reruns in my underwear. Viva la dia de no pantalones!

In real life:
Get home, take a little nap.
If I lived in a dorm:
Fall asleep, or rather pass out, on the disguising couch Skeeter and I found on the side of the road, that most likely has had at least one prostitute killed on it, only to be pushed on the floor and woken up abruptly when some of Skeeter's friends come over to play PS2. Curse him and his hippie friends. Call dibs on next game.

In real life:
My night consists of watching TV, playing video games, or using computer for as long as I want to.
If I lived in a dorm:
My night consists of watching a now-stoned Skeeter play Madden, in which he is a running loop of "go for it on 4th down, fail, give up a touchdown, go for it on 4th down, fail, give up a touchdown". I'd pity him, but it's hard to feel bad for someone that stupid.

In real life:
Shower and get ready for bed.
If I lived in a dorm:
Pour a glass of water over my head and rub it in a little. Find roommate is now replaying the "Rick James" sketch from Chappelle's Show over and over again on the DVD player. Not only that, but he's also doing the voices. Wonder to myself if I killed him, could I make it look like he committed suicide?

In real life:
Crawl into bed and sleep the sleep of babies.
If I lived in a dorm:
Spend ten to fifteen minutes deciding on if I should pull the trigger to the gun I've got lodged firmly in my mouth and make all the pain go away. Finally fall into a restless sleep on a tear-soaked pillow.