I bet you still remember your first thoughts as you were walking around your brand new campus, "Wow! Gee whiz, these girls are hot!" Now these thoughts are probably more along the lines of, "Dang! Why the heck won't any of these girls hook up with me?!" The reason is simple my friend, aside from having a lame ass inner monologue, you are just a regular college student. And like nature, college has a food chain – or "ass" chain, if you will. You don't just get to eat prime rib right away, you're going to have to gnaw on sloppy seconds for a while. Here's a list of all the guys that are going to get chicks before you:

Athletes: They're bigger than you, they're stronger than you and they're
smarter than you. Just kidding, you're smarter than them, but that's not
gonna get you laid, nerd. Let's face it, you're at the same party as the guy who caught an interception and ran it back for a touchdown to win the
homecoming game. You're the guy who pounded 16 beers before he left his dorm room and cheered so hard during that play he threw up on himself. Who's the girl gonna go for?

Upperclassmen: I'm sure you know it isn't cool to be a 24 year old
college junior. But there's no telling that to a hot blonde freshman with a sweet ass. She can smell failure as soon as she walks into that frat house and she gravitates toward it like a homeless guy to crack. Girls in their freshman year are totally turned off by guys with futures. Trust me, I would know. As a freshman, this girl likes: Sweat pants, facial hair, guys who rock their natural scent. She dislikes: Hair gel, shower shoes, and guys who own backpacks. Helpful hint: Lose the backpack in the woods, and while you're there, live there for a month. When you emerge, you'll be perfect dating material.

Your Roommate: You may think you're better looking than your roommate, and that may be so, but God hates you and he wants to see you suffer. You're going to meet a really cute intellectual girl with HUGE FUCKING TITS and open up to her about your deepest, most personal thoughts. You will cry with this girl, you will spoon with her for hours, but your roommate is going to fuck the shit out of her while you cover your ears in the bunk above him. And the rest of the semester she's going to come to you with all her "relationship" problems. Isn't it ironic how being a huge pussy in this situation gets you no pussy at all?

The Tool: You know you have one at your school. It's the stupid rich kid
from someplace like California. He carries the keys to his mustang around even when he's not driving, just on the off chance that someone will take notice of them. He makes the same jokes about how, "It's so freezing!" when it's 50 degrees out. You constantly see him at parties trying to work the fact that he's from far away into every conversation he has. You hate him, all your friends hate him, everyone should hate him. But guess who likes him? The chain continues my friend!

Your Professors: You think the bald head and the long gray beard makes your Psychology professor look old don't you? Well that tiny little brunette that sits in front of you thinks it makes him look distinguished. How about his gray cords and his sweater vest, old, right? Nope. Dignified. Little known fact here: Girls love yellow teeth! Your professor knows this because he's been around a while, and he's a master of his craft. There's no use in even trying to compete with professors, not only are they distinguished and dignified, but they have control over people's grades. You would probably hook up with a professor if you could, don't deny it.

Now that you've seen the list it should be easier to cope with the lack of ass you'll be getting this semester. But don't worry, there is something you can do. Send me money! I promise this is an easy solution to all your problems. Just cram a bunch of money into an envelope and send it to ME! Ican't tell you exactly how it will help, because that's a secret, but I can tell you that me and my new North Face jacket will really appreciate it.