A week ago, while hanging out at my apartment in Hollywood, CA, (no big woop) late at night, my girlfriend went out to her car to grab her bag. Moments later a car pulled up next to her and she thought they wanted her parking spot. She turned to them and said, "I'm not moving. Find another spot. I'm staying here at my boyfriend's apartment: Danlevyshow.com. Check him out" he's hilarious." (She's always promoting me. What a good girlfriend.)
Anyways, the car then turned its lights off and a Mexican guy with a bald head got out of the car and pointed a gun at her. A real 9-millimeter gun. Can you believe that? He then screamed, "Give me your bag". She froze; the guy ran over to her, took the bag, and then drove away and she ran into my apartment screaming and crying. (Which is already way braver then what I would have done. I think as soon as I saw the gun I would have started crying, peeing, and then offered the nice gentleman oral sex.)
We immediately called the cops and had to file a report. She described the robber to the cops: "Mexican in a shitty car." Not the best description, but it's hard to remember a license plate when you think you're about to get shot in the head.
But all the same, the cops left to question the kitchen staffs of all the restaurants in the area. After they left we did what everyone does after a near-death experience: Watch "Breaking Bonaduci" and Fuck. Hard. For at least several minutes.
The funny thing is we soon realized, while in some serious post coital bliss, that the only thing in her stolen bag was a Harry Potter book and a pink hair dryer. Talk about THE WORST ROBBERY OF ALL TIME! (Especially when you're bald.) You would think if you had a gun you would at least double check that you're stealing I don't know something that you can sell for more then 20 bucks and is not a tool to dry one's hair.
I would have loved to be at the gang meeting when he had to show his stolen goods to his boss (or whatever the hell you call the leader of a Mexican gang).
BOSS: Well, so far tonight we've got stolen guns, heroin, and 3 white babies. Now what were you able to get in West Hollywood with your gun amigo?
GUY WHO ROBBED MY GF: A pink hair dryer and a Harry potter book.
BOSS: The new Harry Potter or the old one?
GUY WHO ROBBED MY GF: The old one. But it is still amazing.
BOSS: Amigo" You're fired from this gang! Last week you stole a broken hair brush and the week before it was your own sneakers" but this is the last Mexican straw."
GUY WHO ROBBED MY GF: Sorry Mexican boss guy.
BOSS: Sorry is not going to cut it. We're in a fucking gang. We're gangsters! Somebody kill him. Now!
(All this is based on what I think went down at the "gang meeting".)
So with this in mind, please be extremely cautious when getting a bag from your car when you're sleeping at my apartment late at night. Also everyone in the LA area please be on the lookout for a gay Mexican with a magic fetish. (Even though he may have been killed in a gang meeting that I made up.)
Dan Levy is a stand-up comedian in LA. You can check out his website at DanLevyShow.com