I know what you're thinking, "HIGH SCHOOL tips!? Last time I checked this was COLLEGEhumor.com! Furthermore, I'm super stressed this week. Midterms, dude. The prof is all, "'you will be responsible for everything covered in class! Yes that includes lectures as well as the textbook!' Lecture's AS WELL as textbook chapters!? Nobody owns the textbook — it was like $135! Goddammit I'm all hungry now. Hold up, somebody's calling me. Nah nevermind it's just a text. Anyway. What's up?" And you make a good point. However, there are high schooler's out there that read this website, and it's important to provide them with a little bit of guidance. So with that, I present to you:

FIVE GREAT HIGH SCHOOL TIPS!

Tip #1: "Essay can you see, By the Dawn's early light"
Writing a five paragraph essay may seem like a daunting task but it shouldn't have to be. If you have one due on Monday morning, don't worry about it during the weekend. Go out, have fun. You have a drivers license now. I recommend hanging out at the local Starbucks until curfew then going home and chatting online. Then, wake up at 5 AM on Monday morning, turn on the ole computer box and crank out an essay. "But how do I write a coherent one in just three hours with no sleep?" I dunno, Faulkner. You got yourself into this mess and you're gonna have to get yourself out of it.

Tip #2: "Snorting Cocaine in Class."

Don't be such a square. You're 17 now. You can do hard drugs. It's doing them IN class that's the hard part. Well, it WAS the hard part. Here's what you do: Instead of pencils, bring in a box of 64 crayola chalk crayons. As you begin using them to take notes, the teacher will ask you why you're not using a real pen. Dump out the entire box of chalks on your table and bang away. With each bang speak a syllable from the following sentence. "So-rry. I'm Not A Good Note Take-Er. I ap-ol-o-gize." Great. They should all be in a powdery paste by now. Take out the real cocaine and place it to the side of your chalk. Snort it all. Fifth period never snorted so good.

Tip #3: "Becoming Student Body President."

4 words: Murder the other Candidates. Default never snorted so good.

Tip #4: "The Perfect Away Message."

Hey High Schooler, welcome to the big leagues. This isn't 8th grade anymore. "Practicing for my Bar-Mitzvah" is no longer a sweet away message. Actually, I guess its kinda funny. Why would a high schooler be practicing for a Bar Mitzvah? Hahahahaha. It's actually really good. There you have it. The perfect away message.

Tip #5: Lunchtime Trades.

Lunchtime trades are super important in high school. Mainly because your cunt of a mother just doesn't get that PB & J is like your FOURTH favorite sandwich. However, one mans trash is another mans treasure. Find the boy who loves PB & J and see if you can work out a deal. Trades can be simple, such as a straight up sandwich for sandwich trade. However, feel free to get creative. I once orchestrated a 4 student trade that involved entrée's, snacks, sandwiches to be named later, future draft picks, and cash considerations. By the end of lunch we were all somehow eating steak. But we loved it. And that's what high school is all about.

Join me next week when I dissect common Elementary School dilemmas. Is your PrinciPAL a princiFOE? The answer may shock you.