By Hallie Cantor
TheThe Red-Cheeked Camper
(picture of kid with backpack, Camp Kitchewa hat and t-shirt, pee-stained shorts)
Identifying Marks: baseball caps, urine stains, grass stains, all other stains.
Winter Habitat: School.
Natural enemies: Bullies
Call: “Do we HAVE to?”
The Touring Teen
(an annoying teen texting)
Identifying marks: straightened hair, digital cameras, flip-flops on males
Destination: Anywhere they can ignore local culture to hook up with each other.
Winter Habitat: Sweet Sixteen parties.
Natural enemies: Their counselors
Call: “BBM me.”
The Blue-Blooded Hamptonite
(thin 20something woman, sunglasses, beach bag)
Identifying marks: tote bags, tickets to the theater.
Destination: A beach house they forgot didn’t have air conditioning.
Winter habitat: Apartments close to farmers markets.
Natural enemies: The owners of the house they’re renting
Call: “Let’s get there Saturday morning and go home Saturday night to beat the traffic.”
The Elderly Warbler
(an old person)
Identifying Marks: monochromatic track suits, age.
Winter Habitat: Large cities with well-equipped hospitals.
Natural enemies: Restaurants that don’t provide doggy bags
Call: “Bring a cardigan.”
The Road Trippers
(a family in car, kids fighting in the backseat)
Identifying marks: crumpled road maps, a GameBoy DS, a scotch tape line dividing the backseat
Destination: the Grand Canyon
Winter Habitat: Driving to soccer practice.
Natural enemies: Each other.
Call: “I have to pee.”