"You can be anything if you set your mind to it." This just in: that is bullshit. You cannot, in fact, be anything if you set your mind to it. We all go into school expecting our major to help us rock the real world. But let's face it; the real world isn't just dancing midgets and free blowjobs. Let's take an honest look at what your major is really preparing you for"



Art: While other children wanted to be police officers and firemen, you wanted to work at an art museum. You can frequently be seen painting random things around campus. And I say "frequently" because you need approximately seven credits to graduate with that type of degree and are taking only three classes, one of which includes sculpting and another with a prerequisite of wearing lots of tie dye.


Business: It doesn't matter if it is Business Administration, Business Education, Economics or Finance – it's all just a fancy way of saying "accountant." Have you never seen a heist movie?! Your bank will be robbed and you will be shot only one week before you had planned on retiring all because of that one bank robber (who you just knew was shady from the beginning) has nothing to lose anymore and he "ain't goin' back" to jail.


Computer Science: You sit around on weekends playing in Halo tournaments and creating mods for your Xbox. Soon enough the joke will be on us because someday you will make a fortune off of the Art and Women's Studies majors for they can operate a computer worse than a drowned hobo.


Education: You know how you're broke right now as a college student? Well take that and then multiply it by a present day Robert Van Winkle (except you lack even Vanilla Ice moves.) What I'm trying to tell you is that you'll be digging through a recycling bin like a goddamn goat in no time.


English: To some, you are known as "writers." I see you more as people who smoke a lot of weed and then when/if you graduate will either become a famous author or teach more kids (who will also smoke a lot of weed) how to get an English degree. You're pretty much fucked.


Environmental Science: There will be no need for you in the future, because the environment will be virtually destroyed. Sorry.






Foreign Languages: You will end up as a middle school Spanish teacher, working at the DMV or for U.S. Customs. Do you know how to perform a cavity search? Better learn.



Law: Insert your favorite lawyer joke here, folks.







Physical Education & Recreation: You are the kid who is never seen studying, because in fact you never have anything to study. Although we are jealous now, we won't be when you are the one making your living by spotting us at the Y or screaming at my son and his little teammates to "show some fucking hustle out there".


Mass Communications: So you're gonna be a journalist or a news anchor? I hope you realize it's not only scotch, retarded weatherman, weird Ben Stiller cameos and little dogs with matching pajamas named Baxter.


Mathematics and Statistics: You are the guy that tried to help all of the hot girls in math class in exchange for insincere flirting. Because you have chosen to work with numbers for your entire life, I really won't feel sorry for you when your Office Space-esque breakdown arrives.


Philosophy: You're the guy who is the very first person to answer any question asked in class. Even if you don't know the question, you make up some bullshit using big words from the textbook. You are almost certainly met with that awkward professor reaction after you rattle off some dumbass answer. ("Yeaaaaah" but" what else?") It's the type where the professor tries to show they "agree with your valid statement" when they are really just trying to leave you with some dignity in front of the class. I hope whoever trades a life in debt for a philosophy major realizes that they could have saved a lot of money and come to the same conclusions by just doing a large amount of drugs. Although a large amount of drugs would still cost some money, you wouldn't have to wake up at 8am to do them.


Political Science: You spend your entire college career trying hard not to do anything that could one day be used as blackmail. Chances are you get the same reaction from the professor as Philosophy guy. Soon enough, approximately half of all people will hate you and everything you stand for. They are called democrats or republicans.


Psychology: Unless you go to school for at least nine more years after you graduate, your high school counselor position will be right there waiting for you.





Women's Studies: You are very independent and always in favor of equality. These ethics will drive you to the top and make you rich and successful before you ironically marry a doctor. He will win the lottery, making him even richer and you will be forced to turn into a stay at home mom. (That's the ironic part, get it?) Your husband will use you to experiment on a new procedure that makes your feet smaller so that you can stand closer to the sink and not hurt your back when you wash dishes. This is a win-win situation because then you can give him more head in between cleaning and shutting the hell up. See? Win-win situation.