The leaves are turning pretty colors, there's a turkey on the table, your uncle just pissed his pants and passed out on the couch and the biological slaughter of millions of indigenous people is the last thing on your mind" it must be Thanksgiving! And look at you: a new college student, freshly returned home from half a semester away and excited to see your old friends. Looks like it's time for that sacred rite of Fall, that holy gathering of friends, looks like it's time to attend your first Hoodie Party!
Hoodie Party: N A gathering (party) of recently returned freshman over the Thanksgiving break. The gathering is so named because everyone in attendance and we mean everyone will be wearing their school's hoodie.
It's great to get back together with all your old friends, crack a few beers and let the good time roll. But remember, Hoodie Parties are about three things and three thing only: lying, reminiscing and hooking up with old high school crushes. Below you'll find all the advice you need to triumph in all three of these extremely important categories.
Lying to your old friends is one of the most important things you can do when attending a Hoodie Party. The fact of the matter is most schools are exactly the same: the same parties, the same people, the same frats and the same diseases coursing through the same sororities. But, wait a minute, you're proud of your school, right? You're wearing your hoodie, right? Well it's time to lie, my friend. Nobody is going respect you unless you let them know that you haven't been sober for more than ten hours since orientation even though that is blatantly, flagrantly untrue. Now, let's get started.
There are two common techniques for lying about your school at a hoodie party: the embellisher and the add-on.
True: You and your friend, Chad, went out one night to pick up girls. You met two girls and made out with them. Chad went home with his girl and you went to Wendys and got a five piece nugget.
Lie: You and your friend, Chad, went out one night to pick up girls. You met twin sisters who were visiting their other sister at the VIP room of this underground club nobody knows about. Chad left with his girl and you hooked up wit the remaining two sisters. You then went to Wendys and they bought you a five piece nugget and a Frosty.
Your Friend's True Story: It was crazy, the cops busted the party up and arrested the kid who lived at the house. Luckily I got away and I just ended up going to Wendys for a classic single with cheese.
Your Add-On: Oh man, something just like that happened to me. I was at this huge house party when the cops showed up too. The kid that lived there got cuffed but I made it out the back door. I was this close to getting busted, but instead I got to go to Wendy's where I got a Classic DOUBLE with cheese.
Ahhhh, remember that time we did that thing? Yeah, me too. Man, that was great. Reminiscing is paramount to the full Hoodie Party experience. High school is only a few months in the past but you must remember to treat it like a vague, cherished memory. You'll talk with friends about graduation and how "it totally seemed like a thousand years ago," and about how prom happened "back in the good old days." But, there are rules when it comes to reminiscing and you'd be a fool not to follow them. Then again, you've never really been the kind of guy to follow the rules. Like, remember that time back in 10th grade when you were late to homeroom? Man, that was"
Rule #1: Only reminisce about good things. Nobody wants to sit around thinking about when your friend lost his leg in a tractor accident or when your other friend's mom died of cancer. Many freshman Hoodie Partygoers think that by bringing up a commonly experienced tragedy they will reaffirm the strong bonds they had with their high school friends. But remember, you're at a party; the last thing anyone wants to think about it Tyler's untimely demise at the hands of that toy helicopter" If only that damn kid were watching where he flew that thing! That's a big :( for the party.
Rule #2: Only reminisce about things that were universal. Nobody likes an inside joke, and an inside memory is even worse. If you're looking for a quick way to annoy everybody at the Hoodie Party, make sure to talk about stories that only involved you and someone else. Everyone will be forced to listen but will fail to make the emotional connection so crucial to proper nostalgia. It's just like that time you saw that old woman fall down those steps; you're the only one laughing. Instead, reminisce about things everyone was involved in, like prom or graduation or that videotape you all saw of Chrissy Tullford doing Jason Blicker in Trent Thompson's dad's Range Rover.
Rule #3: Never pause for longer than is necessary to reflect. Let's do an experiment, say the following: "Man, that was a great time" (count to two)" Anyways." Two seconds is the perfect reflection time because it conveys a sense of nostalgia without making you look depressed or guilty of something. Don't believe me, try doing the same thing but this time pausing for five seconds. "Man, that was a great time" (count to five)" Anyways." Weird, right? Pausing to reflect for longer than two seconds makes you look sad, like you're longing for your high school days instead of merely enjoying their memory. Also, pausing for a long time like that can make you look guilty of something. For instance, if you were talking about prom and you paused as such, I'd pretty much assume that you roofied someone that night and took advantage of them. Why else would you sit there silently for more than two seconds? You animal.
High school may be done but you haven't done all of your high school, have you? I didn't think so. Well, luckily for you, a Hoodie Party is the perfect place to give hooking up with Megan Meredith one last shot. Look at you now; you're not the dorky 2nd string baseball player you were in high school, no sir. You're a college man now, your hall won the intramural baseball championships this semester, and women respect you. Keeping that in mind, follow the following steps and you may soon find yourself actually doing what you were pretending to do when you ruined all of mom's dish towels.
Well, that's about it. Remember to enjoy your Hoodie Party responsibly and we'll see you back at school after Thanksgiving break, when you'll have a whole new arsenal of lies ready to tell.