Dear College Guy Drinking for the First Time,

Hello there. You don't know me and I don't know you. Despite this, I feel compelled to write you a little letter. I'm the guy in the corner, calming sipping his drink, watching you slowly lose all control as you consume more alcohol than you ever have in your entire life. You're putting on quite a show, my friend, quite a show indeed.

Just how much have you had to drink tonight? I mean, I know you're going around telling people you drank twenty beers before switching over to Jack Daniels, but we all know that's not true. So, really, how much has it been? Two beers? One beer? A wine cooler? Perhaps someone opened a beer near you and the very smell of it sent you over the edge. I guess we'll never really know will we? All we really know is that you're trying to make the last eighteen years of sobriety fade away in a single night.

Oh, hey, don't touch that. It's very fragile and – oh good, now it's broken. Masterful job. That's right, just go ahead and kick it under the couch, I'm sure no one will notice it's missing. Don't offer to clean up or pay for the damages either, there's no time for that. You've got more drinking to do.

Well now, I wasn't expecting a hug, but I guess I'll accept it. I really don't have a choice, do I? Now that I think about it, you're just trying to show your love for all humanity. Maybe if people out there showed more affection for each other this world would be a better place. Maybe you're onto something, College Guy Drinking for the First Time, maybe you're really onto – oh, I see. You're just using me as a support to keep from falling over while you throw up. Well played.

Yes, I know you're sorry. No, it's fine; I never really even liked these shoes. Please keep your voice down, I'm standing right next to you. I don't know if I can answer that. Ok, ok, I've only known you for five minutes, but yes, I love you too. Please, feel free to throw your arm over my shoulders to steady yourself. It's not making me uncomfortable at all.

Hmmm, you know that's an interesting question. I guess I never really thought about it before. Well, if I had to take a guess, he looks like he's about 6'5", 275 pounds or so. And you're what, about 5'7" and 160 pounds? Oh, 150 pounds, huh? Well, to answer your question, I absolutely think you could take that guy. Why not give it a shot? Remember, eye of the tiger. Eye of the tiger.

Welcome back. You've been out for quite a while. Frankly, I'm surprised to see you. Between the alcohol and the severe beating that man just gave you, I thought for sure you were done for the night. Should I get you something to help stop the bleeding? No? Well, I must say, you are a trooper. Is that a bottle of tequila? Who gave you that? Why don't you just give that to me – oh, all right, take it easy. You just go ahead and keep it. In fact, just guzzle it down. At this point, what does it matter?

And now your pants are coming off. Wow, I didn't even know they made men's underwear that tight. They don't leave much to the imagination, do they? Yes, she is cute. Well, I'd normally encourage you to ask her out, but at the moment I'd advise against it. Going in anyway? God speed, my friend.

How'd it go? Calm down, I can barely understand you. You know, I always thought booze would dull the pain of pepper spray, but I guess I was wrong. Good to know, good to know.

Go ahead and lie down, friend, that spot is perfect. I think you'll find the grass cool and the ground soft. Here, let me roll you over on your stomach so you don't choke on your own sick during the night. There we are.

Thank you for showing up tonight and making me look sober by comparison. And the penis you'll discover someone has drawn on your face in black Sharpie while you were passed out? You can thank me for that. I have enjoyed your humiliation to no end.

Good night sweet prince,

Matt Hulten