Picture this: You're at the bar, rip-roarin' drunk, intent on getting to (at least) third base with a babe. (Ladies, just go with it" you won't regret it tomorrow, I promise.) You're on the right track for two reasons. 1.) You've acknowledged that alcohol is to hooking up what Game Genie was to Nintendo games, and 2.) You're quantifying sexual exploits with baseball terminology, which is, not only excellent, but also equates your maturity level with that of a fourth grader's. All you need now is a slutty slut and, in order to impress that slutty slut, someone to call a total penis face and/or a complete gaylord"

" and there he is. Through the crowd you spot the Limp Bizcut Song Incarnate, who is busy throwing "'bos", purposely spilling his Mike's Hard Lemonade on people and barking about how he's going to "kick some asses tonight." Before anyone can tell him Van Dam tryouts for the Kumite ended in like 1989, he's up in your grill, demanding to know why you're so fucking awesome.

You have a couple options. You could give him a French kiss. You could call a Zack Morris Time Out. Or you could, as your corny dad would say, serve him up a knuckle sandwich. But before you let that scrumptious culinary experience loose on his ungrateful face, hear my caveat out.

Fighting is gay. I'm not using "gay" figuratively either, I'm saying fist fighting is form of homosexual behavior.
Think about it. You begin by checking some dude out and deciding you want to "go at it" with said dude. Next, you walk up to the dude and engage in a little flirtatious fight foreplay (i.e. the flagrant shoulder bump). Now you're in a verbal repartee with your soon-to-be partner, as every shouted word brings you closer and closer until, ultimately, you're grabbing each other all over, sweating, screaming and/or moaning. The next day, seeing that dude around campus either will be awkward or will result in another liaison of body parts. If you go back over this paragraph and simply replace "dude" with "slutty slut" and "fight" with "fuck a slutty slut," you basically have Bobby Orz's Policy on Handling Hussies.

Now I'm sure somewhere, some red-faced hulkster slammed down a dumbbell and exclaimed, "I had a damn good reason for kicking that dude's ass last night and I'm NOT gay! God, forget this site, I'm going to check out what's new at Better Homes and Gardens dot com." And my response is: He's absolutely right. I've heard plenty of good reasons for fighting, such as "He was talkin' shit" or "He was looking at me. WHAT!" Just be warned, Clubber Lang: You're gonna look like a big gay monster.

Also, I'm sure that same hulkster would then go on to call my "manliness" into question, probably citing me as a "pussy." Again, he's absolutely right. I am a huge pussy. In fact, as I type these words, I'm sitting in my undies listening to "Killer Queen." Furthermore, I shop in kid's sized clothing stores and often emphasize with the late twentieth century philosopher Skee-lo, wishing to be a little bit taller along with possessing the skills of one baller. BUT you know what else" I fuck chicks. I'm talking lots of fucking chicks. Fucking. Chicks. My pubescent good looks and contrived witticisms have put me on the vagina slamming express. So while I'm busy earning frequent slammer miles, aforementioned hulkster is going back to his dorm, alone, to cry to his Vin Diesel posters.

Finally, to wrap this polemic up, I don't want anyone to walk away thinking this is my cry for antiviolence. Let's get serious: Violence = awesome. You're reading an essay by a guy whose favorite movies are by Tarantino, Scorsese and Turteltaub (director of 3 Ninjas). I love violence! Hence, I want to conclude by asserting that, if you're planning on beating someone's butt, don't start a fight with something gay like a Facebook poke; rather start (and end) it by showing you have a little hair on your balls (i.e. Go Grubman and run daddy's SUV into that fucker). Either that or use your girlfriend's gonads like a game of Mike Tyson's Punch Out. If you want to validate your self-respecting heterosexual male credentials, you had better choose one.