Laundry. The great leveler. It is something we are all forced to do once we get to college. Normally a simple task, doing your laundry somehow becomes far more complex in the surrounds of academia, as that growing pile of your own filth will attest.
For those not versed in the ways of the hamper, the task of doing your own laundry can seem daunting. For those familiar with the cleaning comforts of home, the collegiate laundryscape can be strange and unusual. As such, you are pretty much screwed either way.
Now, I have put a lot of thought into this, and if you think about it, the way you choose to clean your clothes determines the kind of person you are. It is a kind of character-barometer, with different categories to measure varying degrees of personality and status. From obsessive, to messy, to wino, everyone fits in somewhere. Where do you fit in? Let us find out.
If you are worthless, there is the abstinence method. This is useful for those who live a bus ride away from home and can leave for the weekend with a sack for mom. The lowest of the low, these kids have no regard at all for their personal appearance or odor. If you don't mind wearing skid-marked underwear or sleeping alone, this is the path to take. Fortunately these traits go hand in hand, so I guess, in a way, everybody wins.
There is also the procrastination method. This involves a little more creativity than just wearing soiled garments. A little inside-out action, combined with some careful borrowing and even the laziest of undergrads can go for months at a time. Challenge yourself and see how long you can go, you might be surprised with the results. Perhaps some of you are still going from the start of the semester. If so, I congratulate you. Your room is currently a sea of dirty clothes and the bio-nerds on your floor are collecting spore samples from your bath towel, but fuck it if you are going to break out the detergent.
Then there is the Chinese method. This is usually for the rich kids who just take their clothes to the nearest Chinese laundry and have them wash and precisely fold everything. If you ever want to see a stack of boxers that will can cut apples, go with this option. High-rollers like to go all out and have their laundry picked up and dropped off. If there is a place nearby that offers this service, put that trust fund to good use because the Chinese know how to fold a mean load.
Sine most of us are not rich kids, we'll have to wash our socks the regular way. And since most universities are notoriously cheap, this means ponying up some cash. Honestly, what makes doing laundry so difficult is having to part with the five dollars you should be spending on booze just so you don't have to free-ball anymore in Biology. Parents coughing up boatloads of cash for us to go to school? Nah. Mountain of debt to crawl out of after we get our lambskins? Of course not. Go ahead, charge the little bastards, everyone has to do laundry. Fuck you, Universities of America.
Freshman year at Boston University I lived in Warren Towers a spectacularly brown, monolith of a dorm, which packed close to 2,000 kids in three giant spires, young minds layered like noodles in dense lasagna. Needless to say, the atmosphere inside the laundry rooms was a tad claustrophobic. Crammed between rickety machines that barely worked, I had to feed $1.75 into a machine that would only wash a handful of clothes. If your school is ripping you off like this, it is your studently duty to rebel. Most coin-operated pieces of shit are just waiting to be exploited.
Using wire coat hangers, I helped some floor mates develop an ingenious little tool that we unfortunately dubbed "the raper." Albeit an inappropriate nickname, ugly situations call for drastic measures, and that is just what we were dealing with. The tools worked, and it was not long before we got random people coming to our doors asking "are you those raper guys?" Many lifelong friends were met this way.
So, if you have old machines near that you think you can exploit, take the time to figure out how to give free laundry to the masses and become a freedom fighter. Most important of all, whatever method of laundry is for you, be sure you are somehow upholding the time-honored tradition of screwing your university.