For many of you this may be the first time you're coming home this year to see your family, and you're trying to think of some way to express how grown up you are now. Well the shaggy hair and the new goatee might not be enough. This Thanksgiving show all your cousins how cool college made you with some kick-ass ways to tell everyone, "I'm awesome, deal with it"
Here's an easy concept to grasp, instead of giving "thanks" give "spanks". Your mom is gonna be like, "Hey babe, ya want some turkey?" you'll be all, "Definitely, ma. SPANK
" Now your dad's gonna be like, "WTF
?!" but it's cool, show him how bad-ass you are by saying, "Look pop, I play by my own rules. SPANK
" Could Spanksgiving be cooler? You bet. "Hey Grandma, how's your Alzheimer's SPANK
Pranksgiving goes a little something like this, "Hey Jake, have you seen the Turkey" "Yeah, I threw it in the leaf pile! Happy Pranksgiving!" or try "Jake, have you seen your little brother?" "Yeah, I hit him in the face with a hammer! Happy Pranksgiving!" The bigger the prank, the better. You may want to use: Setting fire to your Uncle's car, stabbing your cousin's fiancé or putting razor blades in the mashed potatoes.
This is very similar to Pranksgiving but with phone calls. On this holiday you call all of our neighbors and tease them in good fun. Try calling the old woman next door, "Hey Mrs. Horvath, how's your husband doin'? Oh wait, he's dead!" now laugh maniacally, "Happy Cranksgiving!" See? Fun for everyone!
This is the coolest alternative way to celebrate Thanksgiving. Not only to do you get to bring an overweight Asian prostitute home for the weekend, you also bring all of her whorish friends. If things go according to plan all of her pals from the red light district will try to bang your dad, your grandpa, or any of your little cousins. Happy Skanksgiving!
This is the one where you slip horse tranquilizer into the Turkey, and when your family wakes up, you're gone. But wanna know what you left for them? A huge fucking tiger! That's right, kids. A hungry Siberian Tiger. I'm going to be honest, one or two family members may die, but that's the price you pay for a "killer" Tranqsgiving.
One simple rule, four words: Shit in the turkey. Talk about stuffing! If everything goes right the Thanksgiving table will reek of shit. Most people will know not to eat the Turkey, but your great uncle, Moyle, is suffering from dementia and doesn't know any better. Your whole family will share a laugh as Old Uncle Moyle devours a heaping pile of shit-turkey and asks for seconds.
Doesn't quite rhyme huh? Well fuck you. This holiday dates way back to the first thanksgiving where our ancestors got Pocahontas wasted and all got sweet BJ's. Bangsgiving is about reaching out to our ethnic neighbors and sharing with them. Now is the time to finally connect with that cute Native American girl that lives down the street, and share with her all your amazing venereal diseases you've acquired this year. Either that or cut your sisters hair so she has bitchin' bangs like the mom in 7th Heaven.
As you can see, these alternative ways to celebrate Thanksgiving are not only cool, but sweet and awesome as well. Good luck this week, and join me next month when I go through all the fun new ways to celebrate Christmas. "Fistmas" anyone?