If there's one thing I hate, it's people who are different from me. And that includes all of those guys out there trying to impress the ladies with their lame, formulaic intramural sports. If you want to really make your mark, try one of my new variations on intramural competition. These new intramural sports will be found in schools across the nation by 2006 (as long as they find enough refs. Fucking blind-ass refs.) :Text Messaging: Thumb your way to intramural glory. Each team has to has to type out a novel, first team to finish advances. This culminates with a "War and Peace" 4-day battle royale in which one team is crowned the victor, and the losers go home dejected, not unlike the plot of "War and Peace."Name-Naming: There were a lot of Communists in America in 1940's and 50's. Can you name them all? Fantastic. Do that, and sink a free throw before your opponent to win. You can't spell "'McCarthyism' without "'McCarthy!' Huh?Starchery: Ever wanted to combine archery and stiffining clothes? Well you're not gonna hit that bullseye wearing that crispy cotton. Try again, Geena Davis.Greco-Roman Carball: Standing on the edge of a busy street, three balls of different sizes are released. Players then run into traffic to retrieve them. Scoring is 1 pt. for each ball retrieved, -2 pts. for each incidence of severe head trauma.Bonus fact: Seth Nance of Penn State owns the career high scoring record with -3.Spin the Bottle-Tail on the Donkey: The rules are a tad unclear, but there is plenty of mule-fucking to go around. First to 100 wins.Junglebug: Working in teams of three on a remote island, contestants hunt the most dangerous game: man. That's pretty much it. The Dozens: Each team has 10 minutes to deride the opposing player's "mama." He who laughs last, laughs best, and then loses.Sudden Infant Death-ball: Self-explanatory.Treasure-Finding: The rules of this intramural sport are located underneath the world's tallest building. Find them, and you shall find yourself in the process.Maximum Roster Size: (Also under building)Taking Candy from a Baby: By far, the easiest intramural sport. Two points for lollipops and three points for anything else and I mean ANYTHING (hint: virginity)Base-bald: The average male begins losing his hair around the age of thirty, however, every school will have random 20 year old baldies. Find them, and crack skull with your NCAA sanctioned aluminum bats. First to draw brain wins. Don't stop until their fucking memory hits the floor. Hair-filled memories.Spectation: Playing sports is for pussies; the real action is in watching! Stand on the sidelines of the sporting event of your choice and yell encouraging platitudes like, "Good hustle!" "Better luck next time!" and "You don't really need two ACLs, get back in the game, faggot!" The first participant to yell, "How is that not a foul? Sweet Christ, I hope your mother gets hit by a bus, ref!" and mean it wins.