We all have them. Don't be ashamed. There's no reason to be embarrassed, it's totally natural. We all have at least one. You're not alone. Everyone has a really ugly friend.

When it comes to the ugly friend, we all have different objectives. Some of you reading this may keep them around to boost your self confidence, some of you reading this may just be philanthropic by nature, and some of you reading this might actually be the ugly friend. (Ugly people: please stop reading now, go watch something on TV).

All of us want our ugly friends to be happy. We are positive that once someone gets to know them they will fall in love with them, but we can't seem to sell them without lying about their looks. This method is highly ineffective because the suitor arrives under false pretenses. When the suitor sees that "big eyes" means two close set eyes that look like one big one, and "great body" means a hot body covered in acne and thick hair, any chance of a real acquaintance is ruined by the gigantic letdown.

I know what you guys are thinking, "Mindy, our ugly friends deserve happiness just as much as we do. It's so unfair!" You're absolutely right. So I won't drag this out any longer. Here is a list of positive things to say to a potential suitor about your ugly friend. Please use only what applies. You're welcome.

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She writes really funny e-mails.

He's really good on the phone.

She only has two cavities.

He's an excellent driver.

Her last name is a palindrome.

He's been on Jeopardy, twice.

She's got a beautiful laugh.

He"'s a fast reader.

She has a photographic memory.

He's a whiz with numbers.

She has flawless grammar.

He's not colorblind at all.

She's got 20/20 vision.

He has a great sense of directions.

Animals love her.

He flosses regularly.

She's got a huge appetite for life.

Animals love him.

She has really healthy hair.

He's not an alcoholic.

She has a great apartment.

He's really non-violent.

She's really low-maintenance.

He's not afraid to cry.

She has a sexy speaking voice.

He's never raped anyone.

She's super sanitary.

He's not addicted to crystal meth.

She's believes in premarital sex.

He's not an angry drunk.

She's has really low lows, but really high highs.

He doesn't have herpes.

She can carry a tune.

He has a great sense of smell.

She doesn't have herpes.

He likes to cuddle.

She's really lovable.

He's not a terrorist.

She's extremely slutty.

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That's all I have for now, but please feel free to contact me if you think of any more.

(Please note: Some of you may be reading this and thinking, "I'm not ugly. I'm the one who has the ugly friends." You're probably right, but ugliness is always relative. Don't you remember when you were drinking that overpriced beer at that trendy, Manhattan, red velvet rope bar last summer thinking to yourself "wow, in Michigan I was pretty hot, and now I look like a genetic mishap?" That's what I thought. So the next time you hear one of your friends tell a potential mate, "Mindy has 20/20 vision, and she doesn't have herpes" don't be offended, be grateful.)


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