Finals are in full swing and we bet you could use some extra help with your studying. Luckily, there are tons of companies who want nothing more than to give you that extra boost you need. We've collected their appeals here. Aren't you a lucky devil?
Hello college students, With finals in full swing we feel it is our duty to introduce ourselves and take a moment of your time to talk about our medication. Ritalin and drugs like it are available by prescription only to those suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD for short. They are not intended to be 'bummed' from your 'crazy roommate' for 'serious cramming.' We are aware that, understandably, you will be looking for ways to increase your concentration for those long nights in the library but "'snaggin a few ritz' from your "'batshit girlfriend' to "'crush n' blow' is not the way to do it. If you feel that you have trouble concentrating or just want some legal cocaine, feel free to call us 1-800-Ritz-4-you and listen to our easy five-step tutorial on convincing a healthcare professional that you have ADD. Remember, "'it's affecting my work, Doctor' (wink wink) Good luck on finals, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals
Dear College Kids, Hi there, we're Maxwell House coffee manufacturers. Sure, everybody knows our product will keep you awake, shaking and sweating long into the night, but what about those nasty slavery rumors swirling around our company's South American coffee farms? We can assure you that all of the workers on our Columbian coffee plantations are registered, legal slaves. We did not participate in any sort of shady, undocumented slave dealing; everything was legit and we paid hard cash for those Russian orphans. That being said, you could spend a fortune on medication or fancy soft drinks to keep you awake, but nothing does the trick like a good "'ol, slave-harvested cup o' joe. Coffee: a guilt-free, caffeinated laxative that will have you acing every final that comes your way. Sure, you could try to prepare for an exam with another product, but we could always send Manuel to throw a sack over your head, stuff you in a single engine Cesna and put you to work picking jungle beans before you can say, "I wish I drank coffe instead of soda!" Thanks for your time. The Maxwell House Corporation
Hello Future Titans of Trade and Industry, Jolt Cola here! Hope you're having a great time wrapping up the semester and preparing for a festive winter break. Hey, ya know what makes for a good winter break? Good marks on your final exams! And what better way to do that than with Jolt Cola. Coca-Cola's bastard child is as wild as you were before the medication. There's no high like a sugar-caffeine-combo high and, boy, that's a promise we can make. Jolt can be taken orally, nasally or as an enema but you should be warned: it tastes just as great any way you do it! Why drink murky, tepid coffee when you can have a crisp, cold Jolt Cola instead? In fact, Jolt is just like coffee, only better. Does it make you poop? Yes. Is it midly addictive? Yes. Will it stain your teeth and clothing? You betcha. Why's it better? Because unlike regular cola, Jolt Cola is still made with that ahem "'secret' ingredient that your mom tried in the seventies at the disco. That's all we're saying about that but when it comes time for a late-night cram session, try a Jolt of something different! Jolt Inc.
Yo, You looking for blow? I got you covered; come over to the window. How much you looking for? Aight, aight, I can do dat. Here, good luck on finals, see you next semester, bro. That Dude in the Camero Who Hangs Out at the Pizza Place