Historical Figures in College: King Henry VIII Gets Tested for STDs

Henry VIII at College Infirmary

Henry VIII: I am Henry the VIII, I am, and I need to call upon the Doctor.

Receptionist: All right, just go sit down in the waiting room and the doctor will see you in a moment.

Henry VIII: I be Henry XVIII. I do not wait for a Doctor, nor do I take instructions from a common peasant.

Receptionist: I’m going to pretend you didn’t call me a peasant. But if you don’t sit your white ass down in that seat, right now, I’ll make sure there will be no Henry IX.

Henry VIII: All right, miss.

Doctor: I’m ready to see you know King Henry XIV.

Henry enters doctor’s office.

Doctor: So, Henry, you came in yesterday because you complained of some burning during urination?

Henry VIII: Yes my lady.A fire breathed forth from my genitals when I endeavored to clear my body of my excrements.

Doctor: Well, the results of your tests are back…I’m not sure how to say this, so I’m just going to come right out with it.You have an STD.

Henry VII: What be this witchcraft, you speak of? STD?

Doctor: I assure this is not any type of witch craft; in fact this is quite serious.I was hoping to brace your shock with this matter, but I should just come out and say it: You don’t have just one STD.

Henry VIII: How many ravage my bodily existence?

Doctor: Quite a lot, it is in fact quite an exhaustive list… Chlamydia, Syphilis, Hepatitis B and C, Herpes, Crabs, Genital Warts, and Hepatitis.

Henry VIII: Methinks I am in a quandary.

Doctor: That is not all.You are also infected with a rare strain of Gonorrhea found almost entirely in pigs.

Henry VIII: Umm… Methinks there was some muddle with that diagnosis judgment…but let us commence with the leeching.

Doctor: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation.

Henry VIII: My father surmounted a fit with the gout. Methinks I can overcome a few, paltry …

Doctor: You’re going to die.

Henry VIII: Oh, Lord, the father.

Doctor: I’m sorry.

Henry VIII: I wish had I told that pig I loved her.