Hell yeah you're reading this article. I figured it was high time to stop bullshitting the readers of this website and just give them what they want – nay, what they DESERVE. You guys don't give a shit about "class" or "laundry" or "sports" or "parents." College is about one thing: Getting high, getting drunk, and banging slutty-ass sluts. I may have already graduated from college, but believe me, I am the PERFECT instructor when it comes to matters such as these. Let's get started.

Getting High: After contacting your local marijuana broker, it is time to purchase some of that "ill sticky wicky." Marijuana comes in spheres, like softballs, and it's really cheap. Depending on the ethnicity of your broker, you can probably get a dozen spheres (or "balls") for like ten to fifteen bucks. You're going to need to buy a lot because I think it takes about a week to smoke a pound. But, oh man, when that sweet mary jane hits your lips, your face just turns numb, right?

Getting high is so great because it feels like your whole body is being submerged in a Jacuzzi. And it's like you start seeing life through a kaleidoscope! Clouds begin talkin' to you and shit. It's great. I smoked marijuana like every day in college and I loved it so much. It tastes like chicken, kinda. But don't stop there! It's time to get drunk!

Getting Drunk: There's no two ways about it, Beer Rules. After contacting your local alcohol broker, it's time to purchase some delicious "golden water." God, beer tastes so good, just writing about it, makes me really wanna crack open a big one right now! The smooth taste that fills you up and never lets you down, beer is like fruit punch, only sweeter, right?

Beer tastes great, but it's less filling, so be sure to drink five or six every day or else your friends reserve the right to refer to you as a homosexual. Oh, man, I remember, back in my college days, I would literally drink beer a lot. Being drunk is like walking on clouds — everything just tastes better and you get super relaxed, or something. It's really good to be drunk.

Banging Sluts: God, I loves me some punassy. Just hugging a girl feels so right – but nothing beats banging a good slut. When you meet a girl at a party, introduce yourself and give her a handshake. Don't let go. Just drag her hand over your penis. Congrats. That's a hand job – now go in for the kill.

A lot of people think sex is JUST about penetration, but it doesn't have to be. Sex can be just you trying to kiss a girl and her pushing you away. Or sex can just be you trying to hug a girl and her not having the strength to resist because she's too drunk or too thin or too weak. That's what makes sex so beautiful: it doesn't have to be consensual as long as you're determined.

To those of you still in college, take advantage of your opportunities. In the real world, girls won't look at you, beer doesn't even exist, and do you think marijuana just grows on trees!? Carpe Diem, children. Seize the Carp.