Ever since I was a kid I've loved TV more than anything; more than candy, more than toys, even more than my parents. Now this may be because my mom is a 65 year old German prostitute and my father beats me, but I think it's mostly because TV is just awesome. Even though I adore TV, certain things about it can annoy me. For instance, I don't understand the ongoing trend of people having super powers but wanting to keep them a secret. Let me give you some examples:

Smallville: I can understand Clark not wanting to tell the entire town he's an alien with supernatural strength. But can't he just tell Lana? Ya know, let her know how many times he saved her ass from a horrible death. How impressed would she be if she knew all that crazy shit he could do? Maybe Clark could even find a doctor who could help him build up an immunity to Kryponite. Sidenote: Isn't Kryptonite like a super rare alien rock? How come every single bad guy Clark ever comes into contact with just happens to conveniently have some kryptonite? Is it on ebay? Ok, back to my point. If Clark could just be honest with Lana maybe their relationship could work, or he could at least use his powers during sex to give her all kinds of orgasms!

The Secret World of Alex Mack: For the most part, this show is pretty realistic. Alex Mack gets into some kind of accident involving toxic waste and somehow achieves super powers. Actually, I'd call them average powers, all she can really do is turn herself into a puddle and send electric currents through the air. Even though the show has a totally plausible premise, I just can't fathom that she wouldn't want to tell anyone. I know she told her sister and her best friend, Ray, but what about her parents? She came into contact with toxic substances, she really should be worried about the other side effects. Sure she can morph into a puddle of silver liquid, but does she have any idea the kind of havoc toxic waste can wreak on your respiratory system? The toxins could be dramatically shortening her life!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Okay, being a witch isn't necessarily a super power, but it's pretty close. Sabrina kind of had the ability to do whatever the hell she wanted. But again, she couldn't tell anyone. Her aunts, Helda and Zelda, taught her the ropes of witchcraft, the most important rule being secrecy. But come on, dude! She could have told Libby she was a witch, then cast a nasty spell on her cheerleading ass. And I mean Sabrina could just drop out of school and make tons of counterfeit money, ever think of that, Salem? Here's my pitch to Sabrina: Tell Harvey, use your powers to get rid of his stupid sideburns and fly your broomstick to Key West and spend the rest of your days making magical margaritas.

Basically the point I'm trying to get across in this article is that I'm fucking bitter. Why don't I have super powers? What about meeee? If I had super-strength or the ability to morph you could bet your sweet ass I'd be on TV all over the place, milking that shit for all it's worth.