Dear Arial,
It's been a great 8 years together. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter gal. I still remember the day we met at the Microsoft Office Christmas party back in 01. You were waiting by the Window ine*xp*erienced and shy about meeting new people. One of my friends told me your name was Arial Adobe and that you were married. Still, I confidently approached you and rather bluntly said, "Mrs. Adobe , I'd like to…." but before I could finish you corrected me and said "Ms. Adobe, recently divorced so you can actually call me Ms. Word, Word is my maiden name", to which I responded, "MS Word, I'd like to use you for my next project." When you kindly accepted I felt like a new man. You lit up my screen dressed in a sexy red Italics that made my fingers type with a burning passion. Your Type Face was nothing less than mesmerizing. None of us could have guessed that a few years later you'd move into a Vista with me. Contrary to our expectations paradise was in fact a hellish nightmare. There were privacy issues, security lapses, and a list of other problems. Despite the tribulations, we toughened out and managed to upgrade to the OSX Lion complex we used to envy staring outside our 7th Window. Baby, it was heaven. However there were still my parents and professors I had to deal with.
While they accused you of being unprofessional and prude I always thought you looked radiant . Whenever I typed with you my parents would scold and tell me to search for a more "appropriate gal" who would make me look formal. Go with "Times New Roman" they said, "she's a spunky Romanian girl with a business professional demeanor and you can be proud to show her off to your employers." They didn't believe in us Arial. But I did. Despite the disagreements I took a leap of faith and decided you were the one for me….at least I thought I did. (cue in sassy "awwww snaps*)
As happy as I've been with you, I have a confession to make… back in college when we worked together in Comparative Literature there were, well…others I collaborated with in History………………….Government……………….Creative Writing…………….and…Spanish…….and Psychology too. Do you remember when you caught me messing around with Helvetica on my US history project? And that I promised you it was a one time deal? Well sadly it wasn't. I typed with her again…and again..and again…until I ran out of ink. I couldn't help it. Furthermore, during my senior year when I was going through a lot of stress with grad school applications, I had a rendezvous with the foreigners Wingdings 1…. 2….and 3. I don't know what I was thinking. At the time I had a fetish for foreign types and they offered to let me print preview them in my personal statement. Though they were cryptic and impossible to understand, I found them sexy and interesting. Of course when I came to my senses I clicked out of it.
I should have told you everything earlier. The reason I did all this behind your back is because I feel like as much as I try to center the relationship around us, it always seems to be misaligned left or right. The margin of love between you and I lately has gone from narrow to wide. No amount of word processing will ever bring us back to our original format. I'm afraid I can only click the undo button so many times to fix the typos I've made in our relationship. Right now I think we need a page break or two. I'm sure you must have had an inkling that things weren't going to work out between us. Perhaps one day we can open a new document together but for now I have to hit backspace on our relationship. You're a font girl Arial but I'm not the type of guy you should be with. You deserve a writer who won't bother you with run-on sentences, unnecessary commas,,,and spelling errrorrs left and right (or point out the obvious errors to be purposefully ironic (e.g., errrorrs) ). We can still meet up for memos and resumes every now and then. As sad as it is for us to switch pages, I want you to know that I will love you for ever and always…….as a typist.
Like,
Your Typeface Adulterer
P.S.
I'm taking your sister Verdana to the Winter Formal Essay. Jerk move…… I know.
P.S. again
You're probably worried about all the naughty print screens and print-outs I have of you. Don't worry, I'll keep them safely stowed away in a pictures folder. ;)