Winter is the time of year for goin' big; big sweaters, big tests, and big girls.
That's what I said big girls, did I stutter? Alright don't answer that, I'm self conscious. Anyway, we all do it, especially in the cold months. When the weather turns cold their warm bodies can keep you warm all through the night and the pretty girls won't talk to you.
In a perfect world we'd all land a dream girl; big (huge) tits, low confidence, and an IQ under 90. But Pittsburgh is not a perfect world, and neither are the physiques of the girls that frequent its bars and nightclubs, thus porkin' a porker is necessary time and again.
In our defense, a fat girl can be mistaken for a normal one pretty easily during the winter, as long as she's wearing a hoody or a sweater and you're banged up enough to see what you want to see. Sleeping with a girl heavier than yourself is still frowned upon in most circles though, unless you're in an R&B group or on the basketball team.
Now, everybody gets a couple free passes where a fat girl bang can slip under the radar and your friends let you off with a couple high fives and some "man you were so drunk " congratulations. But once blubber banging becomes a trend they can turn on you, and turn quick, way quicker than a fat girl can do anything except feel embarrassed when she's at the beach.
After the deed is done you'll try to defend yourself, justify what you've done, but it will be fruitless. Unfortunately you've already given your friends several hundred pounds of self-conscious ammunition.
"She's got big tits though" you'll say.
"She's got big everything man, she's a fucking hippopotamus."
Then they'll say something like, "Tom takes his girls supersized." and you'll shoot back with "I took your mom supersized" or "shut up alright seriously just fucking drop it."
All that being said, the problem really starts when a girl isn't just fat, but fat and ugly. The fat-flat combo, the worst kind of fat girl. Big everything but tits. Once you've bedded a couple fat-flats, you've reached the point where somebody needs to step in, sit you down, and take a stand. All that sitting and standing can be exhausting though, so people will usually just make fun of you for it.
The real question is why fat girls? Why not pockmarked girls, or girls who still wear braces? What is the allure of the fat girl that keeps me, I mean us, coming back for more.
The thing about fat girls is they have to talk to you. There isn't exactly a line of people waiting to see how their day was. Every time a fat girl is approached by a guy, regardless of his looks, she has to at least consider the possibility that this is the last guy that'll be willing to talk to her that night. She's stranded on a desert island and you're a fucking schooner. She's not in a position to be picky about the paint job. She pretty much has no choice but to let you do what you want to her.
There are also other perks to skimming the bottom of the barrel. There's no performance anxiety with a fatty, it's like jerking off into a person.. And guess what, fat girls are easy to break it off with too, because in the back of their mind they knew it wasn't gonna work out anyway, because of their being fat. Unlike girls with self respect, they don't put up much of a fight.
In conclusion, fat girls are the adderall of the college bar scene. You'd much rather get coke, but sometimes (usually) you've gotta take what you can get.
Tom is CollegeHumor's resident asshole. If you have questions or comments on this article feel free to drop Tom a line at AskTomAnything@Yahoo.com