Whoops, looks like another CollegeHumor writer collaboration. Last year, our writers bared their souls and stated their resolutions. They ran the gamut from cutting carbs to no longer seducing high school girls. This year that wacky bunch of jokesters is back with New Year's Resolutions for 2006. And
Shallon Lester Pay more attention when I'm writing; stop revealing my desperation through typo's such as "alone" instead of "along" and "it was only in half way so it doesn't count" instead of " ;) "
Amir Blumenfeld Stop stealing Ethan's jokes.
The Assimilated Negro I resolve to get another negro writer on collegehumor before 2008.
Jesse Costello Stop killing hobos (again)
Monica Vasandani Stop reminding the hopeless that they don't have families
Melanie Ethand Hmm
I promise to stop trying to Discretely communicAte with my deaD father.
Molly Mcguire and Megan Osberger Our New Year's Resolution is to keep up with hard-hitting news I mean, it took us two days to find about the split between Nicole Richie and DJ A.M. .
Ricky Van Veen I really need to stop fucking all these models. If I don't curb this soon, I'm going to pigeonhole myself as a model-fucker and be typecast as that for the rest of my life.
Jeff Rubin This year I resolve to watch more television and eat more McDonalds.
Ethan Trex Stop stealing Amir's jokes.
Jake Hurwitz Play a gig at the Smash Club with Uncle Jesse and the Rippers
Neil Janowitz Stop insisting that girls call me "Pele" while we're in bed. It just doesn't make any fuckin' sense.
Kate Spencer stop TiVoing and weeping like a baby through Extreme Home Makeover. I will cut Ty Pennington and those sleek Sears home appliances out of my life for good.
Wes Marfield I vow to abstain from thefacebook.com until you can update your relationship status to "Awkwardly attempting to hook up with:" or "May or may have not drunkenly groped:"
matt Hulten I've either got to start making it pay or I've got to stop killing prostitutes altogether. No more of this killing prostitutes just for college credit.
Michael Ferrari For my New Years resolution this year, when I tell a girl I'm going to pull out, I'm going to mean it!!
Mike Birbiglia Try not to stutter over my own last name: There comes a time in every man's life where he needs to stick the landing on his own last name on a consistent basis. Sometimes people will ask me my name and I'll actually get nervous and go "Mike bir-bir-biglia" and it really hurts my credibility in the conversation.div>
Eric Wang Limit my daydreams about having lightsabers and/or being Wolverine to three a day.
Max Lance Stop e-mailing people that their ancestors have left them $2 Million in Nigeria.
Craig Baldo Write more in my roommate's journal.
Julie Kraut stop wearing my Fire Department KEEP BACK 200 FT hoodie on dates. I thought it was a clever way to let men know that I'm not into anal, but apparently it's only a quick way to turn a potential husband into that guy who just made me pay for my half of dinner
Thorton Papadopoulos I've gotta stop fucking sheep.
Matt Boor To stop eating food in bed. In addition, to start getting out of bed, so I don't starve to death.
Paul Scheer Stop bookmarking websites I have no Intention of ever visiting ever again, I have a million Bookmarks of sites that I don't even remember bookmarking. Also I promise to start watching 1/3 of the things I Tivo and not just fast forwarding to good parts or justifying to myself why it's okay to erase all those episodes of Prison Break.
Tom Sunnegren Be less prejudice towards the queers and the blackies.
Jacob Klocksien Start referring to people only by their AIM screen names; immediately begin finding new friends.
Mindy Raf Cry more in public.
Matt loker I'm going to stop using my ancient Babylonian calendar, clean out my garage, and lose 10 pounds in Du'uzu, the month of lamentations.
Ryan Watson Befriend a shy, unconfident female art student and watch her blossom into the hottest piece of ass on campus.
Ben Gleib To eat healthy, to workout, to read more, to give to charity, and to stop making resolutions I will not even attempt. I have a real good feeling about the last one. .
Dave Holstein To adapt the film Showgirls into a series of best-selling children's books featuring Chesty the Squirrel and her band of nut-munching Fairies.
Lauren Holly to go to the bar, bring home men whose last names I will never know, kick them out just before sunrise, and spend the rest of my mornings with Ben and Jerry Phish Food Ice Cream while watching old episodes of Law and Order on TiVo.
Dan Levy Start smoking cigarettes to impress 16 year-old girls.
Chris Wylde to never do another vh1 i love the show
wait no that's Michael Ian Black's new year's resolution. oh right, mine is to rape Michael Ian Black in his beautiful throat.
Ben Worcester Bring in a deus ex machina to tie up all the gaping plot holes in about 10 seconds, pan out to a crowd scene, roll credits.
Steve Hofstetter Finally stop writing "2004" on my checks
Lilly Walleck Become a unicorn. If attempts fail, drink heavily.
Andrew Porter I'd say to stop walking up and down my hall naked, holding a plunger and screaming "Karma Chameleon", but I see no end to that.
Streeter Seidell I know none of you read this far down, did you? Yeah, I thought it was a little long too, but what do you want me to do? We have so many writers and I want everyone to feel included. Yeah, you're right, Amir could go, huh.