You're at a party, enjoying yourself, when you accidentally drop your drink. Despite the fact that you hit the floor like it's World War II and you're diving on a live grenade to save your squadron to recover it, it hits the ground, the glass shatters and booze goes everywhere. Now there's a huge mess, you're embarrassed at your clumsiness, and you have to go more than 45 seconds without the taste of booze in your mouth. That would be bad enough, but there's always some drunken ass right behind you who stops his conversation about how Duke is going all the way this year just long enough to turn to you, point, and scream, "PARTY FOUL!" God, I hate that guy. And yet, I have to admit that the drunken fool makes a good point. At every party, things go wrong, horribly, horribly wrong, yet there's no one to evaluate fouls and administer penalties. So here's a short list of other party fouls and ways you can penalize the wrong-doer at your very next gathering.
Party Foul #1: Screaming "Party Foul" when someone drops a drink.
I have no problem lamenting the loss of a good drink, but at the very least, people should try to be a little more creative. Someone drops their drink, call them a "clumsy fucker" or if they're on the heavy side (like myself), ask "What, couldn't hold onto your drink "'cause your hands were all greasy from eating bacon all day, you fat bastard?" Then run.
Penalty: A quick backhand and you get to take whatever beverage the guilty party was currently drinking.
Party Foul #2: Not being able to reach a bathroom before you puke.
Someone is sitting on the couch and he's not looking so good. He's got a beer in his hand and he's holding it at an angle that's making it slowly pour out onto his shoes. Everyone in the room knows what's coming. Except him. Three seconds after he manages a weak and slurred, "I'm totally fine," he leans forward and does his best impression of Old Faithful. Vomit is everywhere, just everywhere, and the worst part is this guy is always sitting about ten feet from a bathroom. Way to go, you son of a bitch.
Penalty: This person does not get to leave until he cleans up his own sick. Doesn't matter if he does it an hour later or a week later, he is not allowed to leave the premises until he does so. Watching someone vomit is funny; having to clean up that person's vomit is not.
Party Foul #3: Trying to start a fight.
To paraphrase a famous movie quote, this guy came to the party to kick ass and drink beer, and he's all out of beer. Unfortunately for him, everyone else just came to the party to drink beer. But if you think that's going to stop him from getting into some people's faces tonight, guess again.
Penalty: Throw a punch in a football game and you get an instant ejection and a big fine. Why should things be any different at a party? This guy gets ejected from the party and make sure someone steals his wallet before you kick him out.
Party Foul #4: Someone takes "It" out.
Show me a girl stripping off her clothes because she's had one too many hard lemonades and I'll show you a room full of happy people. Even other females find it amusing when one of their own begins to disrobe in public. This does not work for males. We've all been to that party where there's way, way, way too many guys and eventually the pure testosterone and homoerotic overtones drives one guy over the edge and all of a sudden, whoops-there's his penis. This, ironically enough, is usually the guy who has spent the last two hours a screaming in everyone's faces, calling them a "fag" when they refused to do shot with him.
Penalty: If anyone deserves a penis drawn on his face in permanent ink after he passes out, I think it would be Penis Guy.
I know I missed a lot, so if you can think of a Party Foul I didn't include, drop me a line at MattHulten@aol.com