You know that guy with the blue dreadlocks who always piles chicken on his tray at the caf? You know that girl whose iPod plays music loud enough that everyone sitting around her in the library could sing along to her Britney Spears? How about the guy who always sits outside the dorm smoking and looking furious at the world? If you are anything like me, you not only know these types of people, but you and your friends have invented personalities, names and back-stories.We all know our own "Short Shorts Girls" or "Terrible Adolescent Mustached Avengers." We chuckle when we see them or point them out behind their backs to our friends, recalling our inventions about their lives. We tape their nameplates to their back without them knowing as if we were in the 5th grade again. When drunk, we forget that they aren't in on the joke and address them as "Sweet Ass Chick" or "Mike the Unibomber."
If you've never thought of giving people nicknames, there are some easy ways to go about it. The simplest way to categorize people is based on something that has happened, either for certain or just allegedly. A steamy night of weird sex can yield a "Cumshot Katie." One simple accusation of peeping on girls in the shower is enough to produce a "Stalker Seth." An especially windy day presents to you "Professor Hairpiece." There are also ways to qualify strangers that has nothing to do with specific events. You can come up with a nickname for someone if they vaguely resemble either a celebrity or someone you know. This works most effectively if they look like someone except for some slight difference. For example, you could have a kid who you call "Fat Matt Damon," a professor you know as "An older Archduke Ferdinand" or a young lady you identify as "My sister if she exercised, had a nose job, and I was allowed to be attracted to her" (this you can shorten later to something a little catchier). Another easy way to come up with nicknames is just to call a doppleganger of someone you know that person's name with an "f" at the beginning. Like if you have a friend named Brian, you call the kid who looks like him "Frian," short for "Fake Brian." It's also fun to look for members of the opposite sex who resemble someone you know, like a "Female Steve" (Feve) or "Guy Susan" (Gusan). Another great activity is to try and get the male and female versions (Steve and Feve, for example) to drunkenly hook up at a party. Just be aware that if they do, reality as we know it will probably implode. The final way to brand strangers is the easiest. First, spot someone with a strange quirk, style of dress or facial feature. Next, join this strange attribute with a qualifying noun, such as "boy" or "caf lady." Put them together, and you have a "Nasal Drip Boy," "Hairlip Girl" or "Surprisingly Hot Cafeteria Worker."One of the only drawbacks of this practice is if you actually get to know someone that you have been secretly talking about for years. I must stress that if you ever find yourself in this scenario, do not, I repeat DO NOT, ever tell them the nickname you had for them. Even if you become the best of chums, most people would not appreciate the fact that you had an entire made-up personality for them and that you called them "Big Butt Girl" or "Body Odor Bobby." Trust me on this one: I lost a potential girlfriend when I told her that me and my friends called her "Streched-out Hillary Duff." Now that you have the tools, you too can fill the ranks of your school with amazing new friends you'll probably never talk to!