When the people who represent Jenna Dewan dancer, actress, sexy lady contacted CollegeHumor about doing an interview, we knew we'd hit pay dirt. Not because Jenna is a sultry dancer/actress with a new movie coming out (which is true), but because we had a crush on her in fifth grade. Well, not all of us, one of us in particular: Josh Abramson, CollegeHumor's co-founder. It seems that fifth grade Josh thought Jenna was the height of beauty and to this day firmly backs up his crush by repeatedly saying, "look, she was really pretty for a fifth grader." Now that the FBI has given back our computers, it's time to share the interview with the world.
Oh, and to prove that Josh and Jenna did indeed know each other all those years ago, they will be speaking through their fifth grade yearbook pictures, while I will be represented by a child model.
Josh Abramson: So you wanna talk about the movie?
Streeter Seidell: Yeah, the movie.
Jenna Dewan: Sure, um, well this movie is basically the first movie I ever did. It's a horror movie. It's scary. It's freaky. It's basically a remake of Carrie. My character's into witchcraft, but dies in a school prank. Of course she comes back is to seeking revenge on everyone who wronged her. But the cool thing is. I don't go and kill them. I just fuck with their heads and do really manipulative stuff, and they end up doing crazy things. It's a really cool movie.
S: So they end up hurting themselves?
J: Yeah, either hurting themselves or I create a situation where they get hurt. You know, creepy things.
S: Why after Tamara dies does she come back?
J: The whole thing is about my teacher. I'm in love with him in the movie and have a big crush on him. Before I am killed, I cast this spell to make him want me.
S: Does it work? Do you get him?
J: Well, I can't just tell you.
JA: Were there any people from, like, grade school or elementary school who you had a crush on or something? Particularly later on in elementary, like 5th grade for example? Maybe they influenced you in this role?
J: (to herself) Hmmm, did I have any crushes?
JA: From 5th grade
J: From 5th grade?
J: There was this one guy named Josh. He had brown hair, we went to Pot Springs together. I heard he works in internet stuff now. Have you heard of him? He really influenced me in this role.
JA: I don't know, maybe. There's a good possibility I know him.
S: I was going to say he's a dirty blonde, but I guess it's more brown in the winter.
S: Ah, I see. So, does this movie have the fun aspect that Final Destination had with the deaths? Where, like the deaths are very gruesome but put together in a fun way?
J: We have one death I can't even watch, it grosses me out. Without giving it all away, I am manipulating this guy's mind and he has to act out what I want him to do and it's really creepy and cool and gory. I always wanted to do a horror movie but I am so glad that I wasn't the one running away crying and screaming and taking my top off. It's so not like that at all in this movie. I am the villainess.
S: There's no top taking off?
J: Well there is, but not nudity.
S: Alright, well we're done here.
S: So, since this movie is about an ugly gross girl who turns hot, is there anyone from fifth grade who you two both thought was gross?
J: Oh, Chris (redacted). He was a smoker. He lived next to me and he was bad. He was mean to his mom. He would force himself around me, come over to my house and freak me out. My dad who's this big football player went over to talk to him. I think he was like, "you touch my daughter and I'll fucking kill you."
JA: It's weird because what can you really do to a fifth grade kid? You can't actually, like, beat them up.
S: Yes you can.
S: So, do you have any crazy fans?
J: I danced with Janet Jackson on one of her tours and there was this guy that came to all the shows. He started this website and it was a little weird. But I was like, okay just a fan. Well recently, somehow he got my cellphone number and he knows where I live. And he was like terrorizing me!
S: Do you want to talk about dancing some?
J: I've been dancing since I was about six. I moved out to LA for college and I was fortunate enough to get booked in a Janet Jackson video. I ended up going on tour with her for a year and a half. That led to dancing with N'SYNC and Justin Timberlake and some more videos, Ricky Martin.
S: How do you feel about the movie "Honey?"
J: It was a fun movie to watch, glossy and pretty. But as a dancer, I noticed some things that most people wouldn't necessarily catch.
S: Who's a better dancer, Justin Timberlake or Janet Jackson?
J: Good question. Really good question. They're different. Um, I don't know, this is hard. Janet has stage presence, she's so powerful when you look at her. But Justin can do anything um, I think I might
JA: Sounds like a Justin.
S: I think it's Justin.
J: Only because I'm judging on versatility.
JA: So when you danced with Justin was it pre-Britney or post-Britney?
J: Yeah, post-Britney, pre-Cameron.
S: I think we have a new way for people to note time periods. You know, I heard Justin is apparently taking voice lessons to lower his voice because he's getting passed up for movie rolls because of his high voice. What would you say to him to encourage him?
J: I don't think it's high. I like it. I'm sure he'll be just fine with the voice he has. That's interesting gossip.
S: We're really plugged in around here.
JA: Page 6 comes to us for information.
S: Finally, what can a regular old college guy do to impress a famous girl such as yourself?
J: I am extremely romantic and down to earth. Anything that's sincere and straightforward just works every time with me. Does that mean I'm easy? I'd rather be with someone that makes me laugh than anything else.
JA: Knock, knock.
J: Who's there?
JA: You're the love of my life and I haven't stopped thinking about you since you moved away in fifth grade.
Be sure to check out more of Jenna in Tamara coming soon to a theater near you! (always wanted to say that)