It seems that in this day and age there is one name you cannot go anywhere without hearing. Chuck Norris. However with all the wisdom and legend surrounding the enigma that is Chuck Norris, few people know the real remarkable truth of his life. Thankfully I had a chance many years ago while traveling in the Tibetan wilderness to happen upon Chuck Norris and he regaled me with his insight and life story. I write it now for all to know.

Chuck Norris was originally born in 1916 with the name Zander Washington in a small town in upstate South Dakota to a Baptist minister named Clarence. It was the only immaculate conception by a man ever recorded in the history of South Dakota.

It was his father who taught him at a young that despite the fact that he was born with martial arts skills which far exceed those of any mere human, he should always be companionate to those who have no martial arts skills.

However, Chuck Norris' father was soon drafted into WWI where he was an air force ace pilot until he was shot down over the North Pole. At the age of two, young Chuck Norris single-handedly defeated the entire German Army in retaliation for his father's death.

At the age of 9 Chuck Norris learned the ability to dodge bullets.

At the age of 12 Chuck Norris learned the ability to locate drug runners anywhere within a 150 mile radius of himself.

At the age of 15 Chuck Norris learned the ability of invisibility.

At the age of 18 Chuck Norris attended a community college where he earned an associates degree in law enforcement.


After Chuck Norris graduated from the community college (magna cum laude) Chuck Norris traveled the world to "find himself" and saw such exotic locales as Indonesia, Pakistan, and Detroit, where he met Tim Allen who taught him the finely tuned arts of the cocaine industry.

Word of Chuck Norris' unparalleled skills had traveled far and wide and champion fighters from all over the world were seeking him out to try and oust him. Among the many that fell before Chuck Norris were film stars Bruce Lee and Steve McQueen. Bruce Lee talked so much trash about almost beating Chuck Norris that Chuck Norris felt he must teach Bruce Lee a lesson and made his heart exploded with a really rough beard rub.

By this time the Vietnam War had erupted in Southeast Asia and Chuck Norris was called upon to serve his country once again. The film "Missing in Action" was a documentary of how Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War.

For his services in defending the foreign enemies of the United States of America, Chuck Norris was given the highest honor any man with a beard has ever received; he was made into an action figure. Not just any action figure, one with a bulging package and life-like karate movements.

Chuck Norris was once again called upon to wage a one man war when President Bill Clinton declared that we would be starting a "War on Drugs." As everyone knows any enemy of America is an enemy of Chuck Norris so Chuck Norris put on his best fighting jeans and combat headband and dove headfirst into a world of pot smugglers and poorly choreographed fight sequences.

Once when Chuck Norris was fighting a feisty small arms dealer he got stabbed in the chest to reveal that his heart is made of pure 24 carat gold. He then sewed up his own gaping chest wound.

Chuck Norris drank every drop of alcohol in the state of Okalahoma in order to save the children from the evils of temptation, and because he was thirsty.

The hair on Chuck Norris' chest is the smoothest and most prized fur on the planet. People have bid millions of dollars to be able to make a rug out of it when he dies, unfortunately Chuck Norris cannot die.

One time when Chuck Norris was repelling from a helicopter to the top of a moving semi-truck he saw a kitten in the middle of the road about to be hit. Chuck Norris then picked up the truck and threw it into space where it collided with the MIR space station which fell into the Indian Ocean, because Chuck Norris loves kittens and hates Russians.

These, among many others, are the accomplishments of the great Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is now just about 90 years old and still has all of his original internal organs. Chuck Norris once got cancer, but he cut it out with a pen knife and ate it with some Tabasco sauce. Chuck Norris thinks cancer tastes good.

Chuck Norris will most likely be around forever and keep the United States of America safe from all harm, he will also protect Texas as well. He now resides in an undisclosed location and is only to be call upon in the most dire of emergencies, like international drug busts and global warming.

Chuck Norris can make blind people see again and that's a fact!


So, you think you're a Chuck Norris fan? PROVE IT!