Beer Pong, Flip Cup, and Oopsy Daisy are all great games —either existing, or just made up by me right now— that ensure "'getting drunk' is just as fun as "'being drunk.' But there are certain drinking games that can never be played, for many reasons. These are those games:

The Millenium Club

Contestants must drink 1,000 shots of water in one hour. Ignoring the fact that drinking over 7 gallons of water in a single hour would probably lead to kidney failure and fatal cerebral swelling, planning this event would just be a logistical nightmare. For one, where would find 1,000 shot glasses? Could they even all fit into the same room? Taking one shot every 3.6 seconds doesn't lend itself to very much social discourse. Aren't drinking games supposed to be fun!?!? Roger is peeing out of his eyes!!!! Okay, okay. Moving on.

Edward Keggy-Hands

It's very common for college kids to duct tape 40 oz bottles of alcohol and call themselves "Edward 40-Hands." But what would happen if you replaced those bottles, with kegs of beer? I'd imagine it's all the fun of Edward 40-Hands with none of the booze! "What's the matter Kate? You lack the upper body strength to lift that steel boulder over your head!? Well you shoulda thought of that BEFORE you signed up for that muscle burning cardio-intensive pilates/yoga/jazzercise hybrid at the gym!" And have you ever tried to take a pee with two 170 pound weights attatched to each wrist? It totally gets all over the place.

Mt. Beer-verest

Climb to the summit of Mount Everest. If your party lacks the resources or funding to make it all the way out to Nepal, there are a few other substitute mountains you could use. Theres Mt. Chimborazo in Ecuador, Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Mount McKinley in Alaska, Kilmanjaro in Tanzania, or Vinson Massif in Antarctica. After those, you're looking at something in the Puncak Jaya (Ocean Islands) Mt. Huascaran (Peru) range, and at that point you might as well be taking a leisurely stroll through the park. Anyway, get to the top and crack open a few cold ones. Don't forget some imported microbrews for those fucking beer snob sherpas.

Beer- BowlingBall- Pong

If you think it's hard to place that small, white, plastic sphere in between your thumb and middle finger and hurl it into its conical red goal, try replacing that minature pale globus with a bowling ball. "Dude stop! You're ruining my table!" they'll exclaim. "That ball can't even fit into these cups! You're supposed to use a ping-pong ball!" one will cry. "Baby, seriously. Stop! Baby you're drunk. Take me home! PLEASE! BABY TAKE ME HOME! BABY, I WANNA GO HOME!!!" your girlfriend will cry. They don't know you're just playing Beer-BowlingBall-Pong. They'll never know"

Russian Roulette

Put a single bullet in a six chambered revolver, and fill the other holes with authentic Russian Stolnichaya vodka. Spin the chamber and pull the trigger. If you win, sweet Stolichnaya will dribble down your ear. If you lose" well I forget the rules exactly, but you'd rather win.


There you have it — In depth rules to five impossible to play drinking games. You're probably asking yourself, "Isn't it a waste of time explaining in such great detail the rules to games that can never be played?" Yes, and no. You see – actually, can you hold on a second? I think somebody's at the door.

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