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By Mike Trapp
Trends through Life How Much You Talk About Sex with Friends v. How Much Sex You Have Talking about sex rises around 7 years old (marked by a line “Yeah, sex is when you rub your butts together”)and grows steadily until about mid-teens (removal of mystery), at which point it steadily declines to practically nothing by the end of college. Amount of sex actually had is zero until a small blip in mid-teens (removal of mystery). A steady increase until middle age, and then settling back at practically nothing. Frequency of Jell-O Consumption A big spike around 6 years old that plateaus through elementary school. Then a sharp drop-off back to practically nothing. Then a sharp spike again in extreme old age. Frequency of Vomiting in Public Graph starts high as a baby, and steadily declines to about 5 years old where there’s a sharp drop off. Remains low until college when it shoots up higher than ever. Steep decline immediately after college. How Cool You Think Teenagers Are Starting around 7 years old the graph shoots up steeply (Did you know Dylan next-door has his own car and can play outside WHENEVER HE WANTS?”), and continues shooting way the fuck up all the way to about 17 years old, where it sharply shoots down to zero (Ugh, everyone in this high school fucking sucks) and remains there forever (God damn fucking annoying teenagers). Use of the Phrase “This Makes Me Feel Old” v. How much that phrase depresses you. First graph starts at zero. Starting around sixteen the line increases steadily (“Oh man, I remember this TV show I watched 3 years ago. That makes me feel so old. Ha Ha.”). At 30 the line grows exponentially (“Huh, I guess I’m the only one of my high school friends that doesn’t have a kid. This makes me feel old”). At the very end “Everyone I’ve ever known and loved is dead. This makes me feel old.” Second graph starts at zero and stays at zero until 30 at which point it shoots up to meet the first graph. The Importance of Dancing in Your Social Life Graph starts at zero. Shoots up in importance starting at middle school (OMG! The gym looks crazy!) and steadily grows in importance until the end of high school (Prom). Crashes back down during college. Rises a little bit for a few years after college (WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU THE MUSIC IS REALLY LOUD IN HERE), then settles at zero (I’m never going to a dance club again). Frequency of Playing a Recorder Zero until third grade. A thin tall spike for just third grade and then back to zero (TWOOT TWOOT TWOOT. TWEET TWOOT TWOOT. One a penny two a penny. TWOOT TWOOT TWOOT. Use of the Phrase “Shut Up” (Owen’s pitch) Exponential increase starting around 7 years old. Sharp drop off at about 15. Zero forever after that. SW note: it could be fun to have a little surge around 45ish, or whenever you’d be the parent of a 13 year-old. How Important Your Problems Are v. How Important you Think Your Problems Are These two graphs form an X. Baby years marked with a line “Crying louder than you will ever again in your life for no reason” Teenage years marked with a line “I love her so much BUT SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW I EXIST.” Middle Age is the center of the X “I guess I should probably pay these bills so we have electricity and a home to live in.” Old age is marked with the line “Yeah, I’m probably dying. How are you?” How Important You Are v. How Important You Think You Are. How important you are is a horizontal line close to zero. How important you think you are is a horizontal line right at the top.