Sex has always been a strange subject for me because I've always received so many contrasting views. My parents usually shared a coherent answer to other questions, but I was shocked to find so much dissidence when it came to explaining the origin of my species. My Mother, a doctor, immediately pulled out nursing books, complete with intricate diagrams and photos with specific, nauseating details of a woman's body that I could do without now, let alone when I was four. My father was a bit more conservative. He wanted me to believe some of the myths about sex. So, for most of my childhood, I thought sooner or later I was going to have to fuck a stork.
This frightful conclusion was luckily subverted when I decided to attend Catholic high school, where I was taught (through the merits of "objective logic" and Divine Revelation) that I shouldn't have sex with anything. Ever. Yes, that's right. I attended the prison of single-sex education: a Catholic all-boys school, though to this day, I don't consider myself catholic, nor all boy. And when it came to sex, God said "No. Don't even think about it!" (Seriously, don't think about it, you get in trouble for that, too).
Even my nearly secular health classes didn't help much since sex-ed did little else but engrain the fear of STDs in my mind. Before I had the chance to know what a urethra was, I was shown images of its imminent, withering death. (That bacteria-infested tube's in my what? Holy Shit!).
"Stick with freshman girls" came the advice of the pragmatic Seniors who rejected the Holy "Keep It In Your Pants" Doctrine. "Abstinence or death" seemed to be a more cautious mantra.
To keep my mind off these pressures I sought out the arguments of the students in my own grade. It was obvious their eloquence was something to which I should aspire:
-Dude, let's sit over on that thing.
-The table thing.
-You're a table thing.
-Haha! You're mom's a table thing.
Maybe the answer was here! They certainly sounded intelligent. The genius, I notice now, lies in their purely economical use of language, especially the poetic "repetition emphasis" rule:
-What are you doing tonight?
-You mean tonight tonight?
-Yeah, like, later.
-Probably eating dinner.
-Like, Dinner dinner? Or just like a snack dinner?
I certainly wished to emulate this pattern, especially after finding out that guys were allowed to sleep with their girlfriends after only saying they "like liked" them. What brilliance to re-embrace a term we came up with in Third Grade! Especially when applied to an act that had been built up as the second most dangerous thing next to swapping needles with a member of Motley Crue.
The most notable stigma (not to be confused with Stigmata, though it can be argued that this is just as painful) of going to a wholly male school might be hard to discern for some.
Here's a hint: It's the complete lack of women!
How was I ever to solve my sexual frustration if I was never even in contact with girls? The rare sighting of anything with breasts under the age of eighty sent the entire mass of students into an uproar:
-Dude, check it out!
-Settle down, man, be cool.
-Oh my God! Is that a stork?
-Seriously, chill. That's a sophomore stork. She's dirty.
When I finally got to college, I found a girl that liked me, but I asked too hastily for her to sleep with me. She was nice enough not to immediately smack me in the face for my premature ejaculation" of words (Zing!). So, when she said she needed time to think it over, I showed her my own nice/sensitive side by giving her a substantial ten seconds before I said: "Now?"
She was a bit upset, but High School had prepared me well, and I covered by saying: "No, not Now Now, but like, Later Now." (Shit, that didn't make any sense!)
My sexual identity was in turmoil. I needed an answer, quickly. Finally, I sought out my last resort: I used my reason.
I immediately applied the deductive logic I had learned in Theology. I came to my final analysis of the situation through a series of "if, and, therefore" statements. Afterwards, I'd finally be enlightened. Here's how I did it:
-I go to college.
-Therefore, I need someone outside the higher education circuit.
I started to think of dumb people, but I decided I couldn't date a Republican (Zinger #2!). So, I thought:
-I'll be a college grad someday.
-College grads get jobs that pay lots of money (Hopefully" ?).
-Therefore, I will find someone that didn't have a job at all.
That's when I realized to the fullest, my own sexual identity. I didn't have to claim that I was gay or straight, or that I allegedly ran a toe-fetish website (www.footfuckers.com is still only $1.95 per week!). No. None of that mattered. I was now hobosexual. And I'll only sleep with poor people.