Due to Molly's – sorry, Mistress Leo's – newfound love of astrology we've decided to impart her wisdom of the stars upon all of you. Don't act like it's weird, we know you read your horoscope daily (even if it is just because it's right next to the comics). But they never tell you anything worthwhile. I mean, "Loved ones make you proud in August" – what the fuck does that mean?

Aries (March 21- April 19): This sign is known for being resourceful. No condom? No problem. Got some Saran wrap? They also enjoy giving orders (i.e. "Bend over, bitch!"). The typical Aries loves a challenge, so if you're the belligerent girl falling off the bar stool, watch out. An Aries will be by in a moment to sweep you off of your feet.

Taurus (April 20- May 20): Since Taurus rules the neck and throat, their two specialties are giving head" and hickies. Taurians are the most stubborn of all the Zodiac spectrum, so if she resists a five-some the first time you try, it's never gonna happen. Endurance comes naturally to those of its sign, so if your boyfriend is ruled by Venus it's a good idea to snort some Ritalin and chase it with a Red Bull before hitting the hay.

Gemini (May 21- June 20): The most flirtatious of all the signs, Geminis coincidently have the highest percentage of STDs in the Zodiac (hey, don't blame us – blame the stars). They, like most colleges nationwide, love diversity – therefore regardless of your race, religion, and gender you have a GREAT shot at scoring a Gemini. Those born under the sign of the twins hate boredom so don't be afraid to bring a pogo stick into the bedroom.

Cancer (June 21- July 22): Those born under the sign of the crab are the most likely to be psychic, which could be the reason she knew you slept with her roommate. Cancerians have a strong connection with children, so don't be offended if he dumps you for a 15 year old. They also love water – if you hear moaning coming from the shower stall next to you, there's a good chance a Cancer is involved.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)*: Leos roar – that's what she said. Leo women love romance, and telling her that you love her is the surest way to get her into bed. But buyers beware: Leos are known for their acting, therefore don't get too cocky about last night. Leos don't deal well with taking orders, so take off your dominatrix outfit and hand him the handcuffs.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Virgos rule the female reproduction system, meaning that the morning after pill should always be on stand by. Those ruled by Mercury need an outlet for nervous energy – don't be surprised if you have to make a quick stop at the Motel 6 on the way to meeting her parents. Virgos also love to lend a helping hand, so get the KY Jelly ready.

Libra (Sept 23- Oct. 22): Librans are team players- he'll hook up with the ugly best friend so his wingman can score. They're big on watching human behavior – no need to get freaked out by his web cam or the mirrors on the ceiling. A Libran woman is very persuasive, so don't be shocked when you end up dressed in drag doing a strip show – it was her idea.

Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 21): Scorpios are known for not being afraid of anything – if you're dating one you'd better be ready to take it in the ear. They often work until the point of exhaustion: If you've just had a seven hour sex session, give him a break to rest and catch his breath. Female Scorpios are known for their sincerity, so if she says it was the best sex of her life, it's the real deal.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): Sagittarians rule the hips, thighs and liver making them the royalty of drunken sex. They love animals, therefore throw your inhibitions to the wind and release the orangutan within. Many of them don't believe in astrology (which is stupid, since we totally just called them on that orangutan shit) so picking them up with "Hey sugar, what's your sign?" just won't work.

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19): Those born under the sign of the goat rule the knees – so you better get down on "'em. Capricorns are very independent, making them prime candidates for masturbation. Apparently, Leo is the best bet for a Capricorn, but isn't it weird to envision a lion and a goat getting jiggy with it?

Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb. 18)**: Aquarians are known for giving, so sit back, relax and let one (or two, or three) head south of the border. They like unusual people – that means you, One-Eye! The water bearers are rebels, no missionary position for them. It's also been noted that Aquarians are ruled by Uranus (insert your own joke here).

Pisces (Feb. 19- Mar. 20): Pisces are mutable, a quality that endears them to sex in the library. They are renowned for absorbing the emotions of others, making Pisces women well known swallowers. Those ruled by Neptune are usually pretty picky about their friends and partners, so wipe the puke off your shirt before you hit on the cute Pisces at the keg.

  • Molly's sign (just in case you're an Aries" apparently we'd work well together)
    • Megan's sign (for all those Libras – she loves guys in drag)

      We thought about starting a phone psychic hotline, but figured we'd get confused and initiate phone sex instead. If you want to see what's in store for your fucking future, e-mail us at datamandm@hotmail.com