I hope everyone is having a great 2006 thus far. I actually started off the New Year in the emergency room of the Cedars Sinai Medical Center because my left eye (not to be confused with the late, great hip-hop star who would sport a condoms on her face while singing "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" and "Baby-Baby-Baby.") was in intense pain for several days.

At first, I thought it was simply an eyelash or an allergy to my girlfriend's cat, and by cat I mean vagina. But after the pain continued for a week, I decided I should just have a doctor take a look at it, because my friends advice of "just smoke weed," "put cucumber slice on it" and then "stop being a pussy," were no longer working.

After spending 7 hours in the E.R, freaking out that I was going to catch the avian flu from the fat Jewish guy, herpes from that fat Catholic girl, and scurvy from the fat pirate, a doctor took a look at my eye and informed me that I had a metal follicle stuck in my cornea and he was afraid that the metal would begin to rust in my eyeball and cause an infection." Excuse me? A fucking metal fucking follicle fucking? I wasn't even sure what a metal follicle was, let along how it could have possibly ended up in my eye. Immediately I blamed my girlfriend and her razor burn. Anyhow, he told me that he would have to remove the follicle by "scrapping it off the cornea with a 5 inch surgical needle".


I'm smiling…why aren't you?
A few moments later a male nurse with a thick Spanish accent and a love for the new punk/pop sensation "Fall Out Boy," numbed up my eye with a yellow fluorescent drop while humming Fall Out boys new hit "Sugar, we're going down". (People often ask me "Dan what is worse? Having a metal follicle in your eye" or "Fall Out boy being hummed?" And I always answer "what a stupid question it's a fucking metal fucking follicle fucking."

Once my eye ball was numb, the doctor came back into my area and gently stuck a thin needle into my cornea a dozen or so times until finally he was able to scrape out the follicle, but because my eye was numb it didn't hurt at all but did look horrible so I was still screaming in pain but only because I watching him stick a needle in my eye. It looked like a scene out of Eli Roth's new film "Hostile"…with less blood and less Slovakian sluts.

As one can imagine it was a tiny bit painful and not exactly how I wanted to spend my hung over January 1st 2006. I still have no idea how a metal follicle got stuck in my cornea, but I also do not care. The doctor rattled off a few situations on how it may have occurred: hammering nails, hiking in windy area, and washing my cornea with metal follicles.

I suggested that it could have been my girlfriend's balding issue and he concurred, saying, "bitches will do that sort of shit". I knew it.

All that matters now is that my cornea is free of all metal follicles and I no longer scream like a 6 year-old boy every time I blink. Instead now I just scream like a six-year-old girl when it's appropriate. For example, when I ejaculate, or when I watch "The Notebook."

But if we can all take one thing away from this, other then that Ryan Gosling is a total dream boat, its that I should never perform oral sex on a female robot ever again. Fucking Small Wonder!