I hope everyone is having a great 2006 thus far. I actually started off the New Year in the emergency room of the Cedars Sinai Medical Center because my left eye (not to be confused with the late, great hip-hop star who would sport a condoms on her face while singing "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" and "Baby-Baby-Baby.") was in intense pain for several days. At first, I thought it was simply an eyelash or an allergy to my girlfriend's cat, and by cat I mean vagina. But after the pain continued for a week, I decided I should just have a doctor take a look at it, because my friends advice of "just smoke weed," "put cucumber slice on it" and then "stop being a pussy," were no longer working.After spending 7 hours in the E.R, freaking out that I was going to catch the avian flu from the fat Jewish guy, herpes from that fat Catholic girl, and scurvy from the fat pirate, a doctor took a look at my eye and informed me that I had a metal follicle stuck in my cornea and he was afraid that the metal would begin to rust in my eyeball and cause an infection." Excuse me? A fucking metal fucking follicle fucking? I wasn't even sure what a metal follicle was, let along how it could have possibly ended up in my eye. Immediately I blamed my girlfriend and her razor burn. Anyhow, he told me that he would have to remove the follicle by "scrapping it off the cornea with a 5 inch surgical needle".