Life is full of tough choices. Paper or plastic, Natty Light or Miller High Life (it's the champagne of beers!), cremation or burial, we all have to make decisions. However, every young person must make a decision in his or her life above all others: where to spend Spring Break.
With the doldrums of winter setting in and summer vacation seemingly forever away, Spring Break is the perfect time of year to spend your parents' money on foam parties and all-you-can-eat coconut shrimp. Fortunately, with the help of Google and my own preconceived stereotypes, I was able to compose a list of this year's top destinations, as well as benefits and disadvantages of each. Without further ado:
Pros: Orgiastic party atmosphere, lowered drinking age, plenty of Girls Gone Wild-sponsored wet t-shirt contests to enter.
Cons: Release of Girls Gone Wild tapes, with subsequent knowing smiles and sidelong glances from your roommate's little brother when he comes to visit for Little Sibs' Weekend. Oh, and Mexicans.
Perfect if you like: being tan, having no morals.
Verdict: Worth it. You know you like the attention, you needy slut.
Pros: Ideal college spring break destination: great beach, lots of booze and willing, intoxicated strangers.
Cons: NASCAR and its resulting followers.
Perfect if you like: draft beer, collectors' plates.
Verdict: Nix it. Spring Break lasts a week, but memories from "accidentally" hooking up with a toothless inbred (or three) last forever.
Pros: Funny accents, rum, white sand beaches, badass bobsledding team.
Perfect if you like: fun in the sun, mouth lesions.
Verdict: Worth it. They'll find a cure in a few years.
Pros: High-class vacation spot for the well-to-do. And we all know rich kids have the best drugs.
Cons: Favorite destination for the elderly. Just when you're coming back to the condo, Grandpa's on his morning bike ride, and boy oh boy, does he have wandering eyes.
Perfect if you like: feeling superior to others, playing bingo.
Verdict: Grandpa's wife is 29 and uninhibited. Worth it, unless you fear being caned to death by an angry, retired CEO.
Pros: Super trashy, which means freedom to wear wife-beaters and eat at buffet restaurants, just like the good Spring Break gods intended.
Cons: Extremely family-oriented. Nothing ruins a body shot like finding out a really mature-looking twelve-year-old is under all that salt.
Perfect if you like: neon lights, bottomless drink specials, girls who wear a little too much eyeliner.
Verdict: Worth it. There's only a chance the family will press charges.
Pros: Consistently rated as having best beaches on earth; bootlegged copies of "Rumor Has It."
Cons: Oppressive government, child prostitution.
Perfect if you like: opium, Buddhism.
Verdict: This one really depends on where your interests lie.
Pros: Ultimate bonding experience traveling the country, tongue-kissing randoms and singing in karaoke bars a la Britney Spears in "Crossroads."
Cons: Remember how uncomfortable car rides were when you were a kid? Imagine how uncomfortable they'll be with the stripper your friend picked up stuffed in the trunk.
Perfect if you like: roadside diners, hostels, the lyrics to "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman."
Verdict: Check your state laws in reference to stripper-homicide.
Pros: Relatively cheap (you can always earn money by doing chores around the house!)
Cons: Lingering violent thoughts towards your younger siblings, awkwardly running into everyone you avoided in high school.
Perfect if you like: drinking at the same bar your dad does.
Verdict: Self-explanatory in above "pros and cons" section.
Good luck, everyone, and Happy Spring Breaking!