The Burr-Hamilton Beer Pong Duel
When it was time for the duel, Hamilton, being a noble person at heart, had decided not to go through with it. He was better than that they were better than that. Instead of ruining Burr's day, Hamilton gave up his chance to shoot, and rolled the balls to Burr as a gesture of good faith. What he didn't know was that Aaron Burr was a gigantic asshole. As soon as he had the balls, Burr unleashed a torrent of bounce shots, runbacks, elbow violations, and dick moves. Hamilton had no chance to recover, and the world lost a great man that day.
There had been double majors before. There had even been rumors of a fabled triple major. But until Martin Luther there had never been a ninety-quintuple major. An overachiever from the start, Martin may have bit off a bit more than he could chew when he decided to enroll in the entire course catalogue. He pulled thirty-two consecutive all-nighters, drank enough caffeine to kill a bull elephant, and consumed so much Adderall that he could "see" time.
Finally, all ninety-five of his theses were done. Martin nailed his work to the door of his advisor's office, and then went into a sleep-deprivation coma. Unfortunately, one of his ninety-five majors was in communications, which made the rest of them a joke by association.
300 brave Spartans decided to put it all on the line to stop the advance so that the party could go 'til dawn. Their leader Leonidas screamed "Tonight, we dine in hell YOLO!" They were able to delay the horde of officers long enough for the party to reach legendary status. All 300 of the Spartans were written up for serious disciplinary violations, and their sacrifice will never be forgotten.
For the people already living in America, this wasn't great. The Euro-Bros drove them out of their rooms with their constant partying and vandalism. Syphilis was everywhere. These Native Americans had no choice but to keep moving to the western part of the dorm, forced out by the Euro-Bro's literal Trail of Beers. In short, Euro-Bros are kind of dicks.
Cavemen Oog and Moog were headed back to their cave after a particularly wild party celebrating the Cro-Magnon victory over the Neanderthals. On the way, Oog became distracted by some sticks lying on the side of the path, and began to rub them together when suddenly fire!
Oog and Moog instantly saw the potential in their invention. They began to throw dorm furniture into it. Once they ran out of stuff to burn, they settled down, as Mook rhythmically beat some rocks together while Oof sang Wonderwall. When they were ready to go to bed, they peed on the fire to put it out, and walked back to their caves, knowing that they had changed history.