The feast of Saint Valentine (canonized for his assistance in the Chicago gang massacre for which this day was named) most commonly conjures up in women visions of romance, chocolates and (for those of us without a specific valentine in mind) the onset of panic and extreme, utter loneliness""and for virgins it's even worse. What could be more ideal than giving your most precious gift to the one that you love (or the one that you've just been introduced to) on February 14? Everyone is looking for love and settling for sex, so keep your eyes peeled, your mouth ready for some sweet-talk, and your wallet/purse full of condoms. Here are just a few of the situations that could await you"
The "Talk-About-Family-Fun" Valentine
Who: Birthday clown at your cousin's 10th birthday party
Where: Bed of Bozo's pickup truck parked in your aunt and uncle's driveway, in full view of the neighbors, relatives, and basically anyone in a 3 mile radius.
Protection: None, you tried to use his animal balloons, but it just didn't work out.
Aftermath: Your parents feel betrayed; you scarred your younger brother for life and are no longer welcome at your uncle's residence. Plus, there are pictures to prove it.
The "My-Sweetheart-Is-My-Gay-Best-Friend-But-Hey-At-Least-He-Has-A-Penis" Valentine
Who: Your gay best friend
Where: On the couch, while watching the E! True Hollywood Story: Liza Minelli. After six hours of begging and pleading he finally agreed, but only if he could put his Cher CD on repeat.
Protection: Yeah""haven't you ever seen Rent?
Aftermath: You are weirded out since you were both envisioning the other was Jesse Metcalf, but get over it within the week. You vow, however, never to spend V-Day together ever again.
The "I-Spent-My-Valentines-Day-With-My-Girlfriends-So-Not-Only-Was-It-My-First-Time-Having-Sex-But-It-Was-My-One-And-Only-Lesbian-Experience" Valentine
Who: A friend of a friend from English class (hey, she's got big boobs).
Where: In your dorm room, on your bed (right next to Vanessa and Heidi, who had the same idea)
Protection: It's a beautiful thing, with lesbian sex there's no need for condoms or the pill, and KY Jelly is optional.
Aftermath: You decide it was a mistake (since you aren't actually a lesbian after all) and break (insert name of an Indigo Girl here)'s heart. Your roommate also becomes completely freaked when she discovers the strap-on left under your bed.
The "Random-Guy-Who-Asked-You-Out-Not-Realizing-It-Was-V-Day-But-Still-Took-You-To-A-Semi-Nice-Restaurant-And-Totally-Got-You-Appetizers-Entree-And-Dessert-So-You-Might-As-Well" Valentine
Who: The clueless but hopelessly cute boy from Calculus who never knows what day it is and thinks nothing of asking you out this Tuesday.
Where: In the back of his 89 ford Taurus parked in the school parking lot. It wasn't too cramped, plus you didn't think he had such a good time during dinner that he'd brave the cold back to your room.
Protection: One of the glow-in-the-dark condoms he keeps in his glove compartment (you never did notice if it had expired or not).
Aftermath: You were so busy putting your bra back on after security caught you that you never even gave him your number. Oh well, at least you'll see him in Calculus.
The "I-Went-Out-To-Drown-Away-My-Sorrows-And-Brought-Back-The-First-Guy-Who-Talked-To-Me-Even-Though-He-Only-Has-Three-Teeth-And-Can't-Spell-His-Last-Name" Valentine
Who: Jebadiah, a local pig farmer whose only sexual experience aside from his hand was with his cousin.
Where: The floor of your dorm room. You were so overcome with loneliness you couldn't even make it to the bed.
Protection: Oh my god, yes! If you had to carry the spawn of Jebadiah, you might as well have pulled a Catherine the Great and lost it to a horse.
Aftermath: He proposes (that night, without a ring), and you have to call campus security to get him hauled away from your room. Since it created such commotion, you tell everyone in your hallway that he was just your roommate's ex-boyfriend.
The "Serious-Boyfriend-Who-You-Think-You'll-Marry-But-Will-Break-Up-With-You-In-A-Month-When-He-Wants-Someone-More-Experimental-And-What-The-Hell-Does-He-Mean-By-That-Anyway-You-Totally-Took-It-Up-The-Butt-For-Him!" Valentine
Who: The boy you plan on spending the rest of your life with, only to be left heartbroken and looking for action shortly thereafter.
Where: On his bed, surrounded by heart shaped candles and the songs of Celine Dion (you were the one left in charge of the soundtrack).
Protection: You're on the pill (which you only started last week after you decided he was The One) but you still put in a diaphragm, apply some spermicide AND insist he wear a condom.
Aftermath: You turn into a huge whore and demand sex thirteen times a day, even though he still can't bring you to the big O. As your relationship turns sour you turn to exploiting your body for him in hopes that it will make him love you again it doesn't (duh), so you end up alone (except on weekends when you find whoever is around to satisfy your newfound nymphomania).
If you lost your virginity in another manner or would like more information about Catholic saints associated with the mafia, feel free to give us all the details by e-mailing us at email@example.com