The world is filled with the annoying, the careless, and the flat-out stupid. And guess what? They all like to party. Thankfully, I'm not alone in wanting to see those annoying partygoers punished for their mistakes. Here's another list of Party Fouls that both you and I want to see the masses penalized for. Enforce and enjoy.
Party Foul #5: Screwing Around with the Music
At every party, there's some jackass who insists on being in charge of the music. They'll either constantly change tracks in the middle of a song or force everyone to listen to their latest "mix CD". Hey, Fatboy Slim, how about you leave the fucking music alone, ok? You're not impressing anyone by making us all listen to some band no one has ever heard of that you downloaded at 2:30 in the morning.
Penalty: Find the absolute worst CD you can and play it repeatedly. I suggest something in the light jazz category, like Michael Bolton or Kenny G. Then when people are good and pissed, have your female partygoers throw out comments like, "Man, I don't know why (the offender's name) keeps putting this music on. The only thing I do know is that this music absolutely does not make me want to get drunk, take my top off, or have sex." The problem should pretty much take care of itself.
Party Foul #6: Having Sex in a Roommate's Bed
Innocently enough, you enter your room and -surprise- your roommate is slapping naughty bits with some girl who may or may not be in your psychology class. Even worse, they're chosen to do so in your bed, right on your favorite pair of Spider-Man sheets. And just like that, nap time is ruined forever.
Penalty: Walk in on a friend having sex in your bed and there's really only one option. Possession is 9/10th of the law, so since it's your bed, it's technically your girlfriend too. Feel free to go ahead and tag him out, old-school Legion of Doom style. Long story short: he goes, she stays. Regardless if you choose to exercise this option or not, the guilty party is going to buy you a new pair of sheets, pronto.
Party Foul #7: Breaking Stuff
Some people get drunk and say to themselves, "Hey, you know what? This party has been great. I'm going to show my appreciate by smashing the hell out of this guy's stuff, then hide what's left under his bed." I invite you into my home, I give you my beer, is the best way to repay me really to break my most prized, yet fragile, possessions?
Penalty: Assess a dollar amount and feel free to beat that amount out of the offender's possessions, or even better, their car. And if you want to re-enact the Big Lebowski and scream, "Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!?" more power to you.
Party Foul #8: Not Chipping In
You know the guy. Not only does he pound away free beer after free beer, he's also the first in line to do a shot when someone opens a bottle. And you know it's this son of a bitch that will rummage through every cupboard at a house party until he finds a bottle of 25-year-old scotch and proceeds to empty half of it until the host finds him and the guy will only sheepishly asks, "Um, can we drink this?" Oh, yes, you know this guy. And you also know that when the hosts walk around asking for a little money to cover what they spent on beer, this guy freaks out because they had the audacity to ask him for five dollars.
Penalty: You don't chip in, you don't drink, it's as simple as that. Also, the hosts have the right to go to your place and help themselves to whatever you have in your fridge.
Party Foul #9: Urinating Indoors
Even worse than not making it to a bathroom and vomiting on yourself is having to take a leak and deciding that your buddy's floor is as good a place as any. What are you, a fucking animal marking your territory over by your friend's DVD collection? Here's a little reminder: throwing up on yourself is funny for everyone else; peeing on someone's rug isn't.
Penalty: Ever use a carpet shampooer? Yeah, you might want to learn how, "'cause you're not leaving this house until you clean up your mess. In fact, you have to help the host clean up the entire house. And you might as well get used to the name Puddles, or whatever other nickname your friends come up with, as it's going to be used in place of your real name for at least six months.
Party Foul #10: The Cockblock
You've been chatting with a cute, slightly inebriated, girl for a quite some time. Everything is going well, you've fooled her into thinking you're both clever and witty. Things are taking their natural progression when, suddenly, a drunken buddy/the cute girl's obsessive friend/random penis-hating lesbian shows up and starts openly mocking you for no apparent reason, ruining your chances. Next thing you know, the cute girl is making the "Oh, I didn't realize you were a complete loser. I'm going to go have anonymous sex with that guy over there now," Face as she walks away. Congratulations, you've been cockblocked. Looks like a night masturbating to reruns of Laguna Beach. Again.
Penalty: Death. I think that about covers it.
Thanks to everyone who wrote in and if you think there's a Party Foul out there that needs to be addressed, email me at MattHulten@aim.com. Read Part I here.