Thanks to everyone who wrote in with questions. I'm sorry I couldn't answer them all. Maybe I'll save the rest and do a Dear Mindy: again.1 column.
Quick Dear Mindy Disclaimer:
This is an article posted on a HUMOR website. So please don't send Mindy e-mails like, "Your advice is so mean. You suck, Mindy Raf. I can't believe you told that guy to take nude pictures of his roommate. You're an ugly little cunt."
Are you an angry bitter male or a hungry bitchy girl? Please stop now and re-read the disclaimer.
Do you understand? Are we good? Awesome.
I recently started hooking up with my roommate. It has happened a few times now. She initiated everything and also disclosed that she had been thinking about this for awhile. I'm not really that into her, but I have no idea how to break things off and keep the peace. Any suggestions?
steve | 01.04.06 10:52 am | #
The one rule when hooking up with someone you're not into is distance. So, in the future, if you work with her, have mutual friends, or LIVE with her, don't do it. I know it's hard when she initiates it, but exhibit some self control and have some perspective. For now the only thing you can do is play the "I'm an asshole" card: act in a way that would make any self-respecting woman lose interest.
Hook up with her, take nude pictures of her while she's asleep, e-mail pictures to all your mutual friends.
Is she still into you?
Call out another girl's name while she's giving you head. When she corrects you say, "Like it fucking matters."
Okay, get really drunk one night and tell her that you're "totally in love with her" and that "she's the one." Then, like two days later, start a very serious relationship with a lingerie model who speaks little to no English. Have her stay over the apartment all the time walking around in high heels and expensive panties saying things like "I love in ass and then watch sports." When the roommate confronts you, crying her eyes out, tell her that you "got so drunk" you "don't remember what you said" but that you'll still let her blow you when "Svenya's off on a shoot."
I promise after all that she won't be into you anymore, and living together won't be a problem at all.
Is there something in a Jewish diet that makes Jewish girls' hoo haa's so ripe and fondleable? A girl named Sonja Ishak had the nicest pair in my high school. I think she was Jewish. And Jerry Seinfeld's old girlfriend Shoshanna Something-Or-Other had a set of "Mindys" to rival their namesakes. Please advise.
Matt | 2:09 pm | #
First of all, hoo haas? Are you serious?
Second of all, you owe Sonja Ishak an apology for talking about her boobs on the Internet and using her real name. (Sonja, I hope that you're doing great things with your life and that when you google your name this column is not the only thing that comes up. That would suck. Don't worry, I won't write something like Sonja Ishak had great breasts in high school, Sonja Ishak had great breasts in high school, Sonja Ishak, Sonja Ishak, Sonja Ishak. That would be rude.)
And lastly, yes it's humus. When the hydrochloric acid of a Jewish girl's stomach mixes with chickpeas her "hoo hass" become extremely "ripe and fondleable."
PS.If you don't stop calling breasts hoo haas, you're going to end up alone.
are all jewish nockers kosher?
lucas | 2:57 pm | #
Um . . .yes? What? Why? I don't know. What? Do you keep kosher? Are you friends with Matt?
Does it upset you that men read your site because you have learge breasts when you are actually quite smart?
? | 3:17 pm | #
No, if men go to my site expecting to see boobs and end up READING things, well that's just awesome.
But if I was not "quite smart" (like one of those slow witted women who take years to tell you their favorite color) and had a blog entitled hotboobypicsnipplenipplebigbrownnipple.blogspot.com, and men came to my site hoping to read something funny and got stuck with tons of booby pictures with captions like "My tits are round and high. I like dogs. Dogs bark. Trees also bark. Ooops, no they HAVE bark. Bark and bark are the same word but different. I just put my socks on the wrong feet. LOL," then yes I would be really upset, if I was smart enough to even know I was upset, which I wouldn't be. So no, the answer is no.
Best of luck to you and I hope you understood that run on sentence,
Assuming you actually bathe and don't have some freaky-deaky infection going on down there, why are so many men so into GETTING oral but not GIVING it? What's with the aversion why are our vaginas clean enough to stick their wangs in, but too dirty to put their mouths on?
Kath | 5:46 pm | #
Come on, do I really have to answer that? Men are SELFISH and they all deserve to DIE. We don't need them or their lazy tongues! Die men, die, die, die!
(Not you baby. You're the best. You've got skills. S-K-I-L-L-S!. I was kidding. Call me later.)
Seriously though, are you dating a man who doesn't like going down on you? Get rid of him. A guy should want to please you, so don't settle for less. And don't use the word wang. Do you use that word during sex? "Give me oral and then stick your wang in me!!" Yeah, that may be the problem.
Now go find a man who likes oral.
It sounds like you are dating the wrong guys. Some of us guys give more oral than we receive.Smart wopmen are way sexier than dumb women. I'll take the curvy brunette next door.
Anonymous |8:59 am | #
It's MY column, so I'M answering the questions. But keep on giving to smart women and contact Kath, she needs you.
why do I feel so alone?
Sal C |12:46 am | #
Dear Sal C,
Are you the same Sal C from the last Dear Mindy column?
"gosh mindy, how can i be more like you? you seem to have all the dudes hitting on you. what's your secret?
sophie | 03.18.05 12:51 pm |
Her secret? big cans and a desperate need for attention.
Sal C | 03.18.05 5:16 pm |"
If so, stop reading my blog. I think you're either a) a guy who got dumped by a girl with awesome breasts or b) a flat chested girl with an awful sense of humor. Either way, I don't like you.
Lots of love to you and yours,
PS. If you're not the same Sal C, I'm sorry. I don't know why you feel alone, but I hope you make friends, meet a lover, or read a great book really soon.
Did you really delete all those songs from your ipod?
When are you moving out west?
What famous 90's actor dude was in Bayside high's glee club?
J |2:34 pm | #
Yes. I did delete about a billion songs from my iPod, but just last week I realized that they were still on some file in my computer. So, I'm putting the ones I grew fond of back in my Ipod and getting rid of the rest.
I don't know. Do you have a car and an apartment for me in LA?
Scott Wolf. Too easy.
How come men go after plastic blondes with fake boobs and 20 calorie-a-day diets who can't string four words together? Don't they know that the curvy brunette next door can actually read, and can therefore understand, absorb, and eventually perform Cosmo's "40 tricks to pleasing your man" (and have the energy to perform them!)
Jane | 5:53 pm | #
I have no idea. I think it has something to do with being shallow. Hmmmm. Any shallow guys want to answer this for me? email@example.com.
PS. Kudos to you for learning all the Cosmo tricks. I broke my collar bone doing number 11 and now just stick with 1-3.
Are you single?
I'm going to have to steal from Friendster and say, "it's complicated"
anne |12:50 pm | #
It's a tie between this and the time a guy blew me off for dinner after I had already made it for him. Or no, I think it was the time I went out with a guy who ordered my food for me without asking me what I wanted first while I was in the bathroom. Or no, I think it was the time I walked 6 miles in the rain with a sprained ankle -wait no that ended up being a good date. Oh! My worst date ever was the time I was fixed up with an Italian guy who didn't speak English very well and kept saying " so what's up?" over and over again. No, I think it was the time""oh forget it, this column is too long already.
Thanks for opening the wounds,
Okay, I love your reading your blog, I check it pretty much daily, kind of like a stalker. Anyway, you have great advice and I was wondering if you knew of anyway to help me out. I want to make my thighs not as massive without losing my wonderful non-jewish titties?
(Because yes, sometimes us Chrisitian girls can have pretty nice titties too)
Stephanie | 01.05.06 2:56 pm | #
Um, so you want smaller thighs without losing the boobs. Hmmm. I'm not a trainer or anything so I really don't know what to tell you. I feel like I'm letting you down. I'm so sorry. I'm sure your thighs are great though so don't worry about it. Besides, girls with really tiny thighs that don't touch always look silly trying to balancing their stick bodies when they walk. So yes, I unofficially advise you to love your thighs and your Jesus lovin' titties.
why is it that i find the perfect guys and then i get bored?
niki |5:53 pm | #
Maybe you're gay. Or maybe you give it up too soon. Or maybe you have a fear of commitment. Or does "get bored" really mean "get herpes?" If so, I would go with my second maybe.
If I become a comic, and get a shirt that says "nice, jewish, girly titties" will guys like me? What's your technique?
Alyssa | 01.05.06 10:41 pm | #
If you wear a "nice, jewish, girly titties" t-shirt guys will like you, but only for you breasts. But, if you become a stand-up comic guys will actually start to like you for your . . .breasts. Hmmm. So if you like to write and make people laugh become a comic, if you just want guys to like you, then wear the titty shirt while laughing super loud at everything they say.
That's my technique. I let the man tell the "'jokes' and then I say something like, "wow, that was comedy gold!" They eat that shit up.
I was very bored recently, and I downloaded a porn for entertainment purposes. I didn't know when I downloaded it, but there was a bonus scene, which involved a dwarf. I was curious, so I watched it and was surprisingly intrigued by the woman's tiny arms. Do you think that makes me weird? My cousin actually married a dwarf, so maybe it runs in the family? What's your opinion?
Robbie |10:55 pm | # Dear Robbie,
God let's us get to know ourselves in so many different ways. Mazel Tov! That bonus scene was your "me" moment from God. Relish it, accept it, and go find yourself a hot, little lady to call your own.
What are you wearing?
Nick |12:42 pm | #
Right now I'm wearing a really old Yankees t-shirt and bright red socks. Mmmm sexy.
i get bored, and i cruise the internet. this one time, about an hour ago, i found some of your writing. to make a long story short, i think that we should probably get married. i too like to make fun of scientology, and while i'm not jewish, i do , i do have something of a beak. i like chocolate, knitting, peanut butter, sledding . . .
sure, i may only be 18, but pedophelia is the new career booster for women in showbiz (demi moore, etc.) . . .
anyway, i will patietly await your response up here in canada
Okay, so it goes on and on, and it wasn't a Dear Mindy question. I just wanted to let all of you know that I can get 18 year old booty in Canada whenever I want. That's right people, 18 year old, long distance, Canadian booty!! I'm living the dream.
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