What the NHL Lockout Means for You - Image 1
  • Mullets aren't cool. Sorry, bro, the party in the back has been postponed. The players were able to pick up some Molsons, Skoal, and iPod speakers, but couldn't be sold on that collective bargaining agreement.
  • Any teeth lost must be replaced. So much for whistling while you work, or do anything else that involves talking. As if it weren't bad enough that you don't have ol' ice disc to chat about with colleagues.
  • Nothing to talk to girls about. The "Range her? I hardly even know you, GO DEVILS!" days are over, at least for a little while. To fill the silence between meeting someone and "Knuckle Pucking" their "Flying V," talk about the weather. Unless, of course, the cool autumn breeze and falling leaves remind you too much of a hockey season lost.
  • Wearing a jersey will look stupid. It's easy to get used to looking like a 3/4 sleeved James Bond with an affinity for numbers, names, and native american faces—but without any point of reference, the non-hockey watching minority will probably just think you like Kevin Smith movies. Or worse, Kevin Smith.
  • No hockey on Thanksgiving. It will be tough getting through Turkey Day without dualin' sticks, but luckily, football will likely still be there to keep your family's conversations from turning to politics.
  • Eating personal pizzas at arena football games. Ugh, and I thought eating steak at Chili's when you were craving Applebee's was bad.
  • Wearing a hockey mask now means you're a murderer. You'd think the chainsaw would show that you're into timber sports too, but you're wrong. Thanks, liberal news media tv movies.
  • The Tim Horton's tear room will be packed. I hope you like coffee, donuts, and waiting in line. I don't know about you, but my face still feels like it got hit by a slap shot from holding my sobs in until I entered the designated crying area eight years ago.
  • Drinking anything other than Budweiser is unpatriotic. Oh, Canada. Why can't you just join The States so we can enjoy your sweet, frosty nectar without all the guilt?
  • People won't know you don't watch hockey. After being body checked with all of that other stuff, it's nice to have at least one home run in your favor.

Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.