There is no doubt that many of you are men after all, look at the pictures we put up. And there is also no doubt that men will do just about anything to appear strong, confident, sensitive and most of all, powerful. All of these traits are inherent to manliness: that sweet sense of gender-based superiority that the glass ceiling, our physical attributes, our testosterone pumping adrenal glands and our grizzled grandfathers have instilled in us from time immortal. Manliness also holds its own sexual pull, you only have to look to the beach to see it: the men with the muscles get the hot girls while the men with the flab or the skinny arms make sand castles and poke at their under-used genitals.
It is with this in mind that the average manly-man faces a dilemma when winter rolls around: how can I show off with all these clothes on? During the spring or summer or even the fall a manly-man is given plenty of opportunity to showcase his toned body and his impressive physical power. He can lie out on the beach, remove his clothing during yard work or simply play a good old-fashioned game of greased-up naked football. But in the cold winter months simple human frailty will not allow for you to remove any clothing, lest you feel like spending weeks blowing mucus from your face and drinking so much chicken broth you become immune to bird flu. So, how is a man such as myself or even you as I'm sure most of you reading an internet column in your dorm room are fine physical specimens like me going to impress the ladies this winter? And, even more troubling, how are you going to show her how sensitive you can be when you're too cold to help kittens down from trees or sacrifice your coat so she doesn't step in a puddle? Funny I should pretend you asked, because I have a whole article written on the subject just below. Shall we?
Nothing says "winter" quite like snow. And nothing says "C'MON YOU MOTHERFUCKER, C'MON BITCH, YEAH, GIVE DADDY SOME TRACTION, ASSHOLE, CMON!!!" quite like trying to get a car out of the snow. Even with their roaring engines and 4 beefy cylinders of power, many Honda Civic and Geo Metros find snow an insurmountable challenge. But that's where you come in. Nothing literally nothing impresses ladies more than men who use their strength to help others (did somebody say "'Batman?'). The scene: you and a lady friend are enjoying a nice stroll in the snow when you see a motorist uselessly trying to drive his car out of the snow. "Hold on, baby," you say to her and run off to help the poor man free his trapped Kia Sedona from it's snowy coffin. "Give it some gas," you say as you take your position behind the vehicle. "That's it, a little more" " and then you throw your full weight into the bumper. Like magic, the little car that could breaks free from winter's clutches and skids happily down the road, destroying mailboxes and rearview mirrors all the way. You turn to your lady and casually smirk because, hey, what's so hard about MOVING A FUCKING CAR WITH YOUR BARE HANDS!? She swoons and admires you; her strong, helpful ridiculously powerful boyfriend. The thing is moving a car stuck in the snow is one of the easiest things in the world. You basically just have to put a shoulder into it and the car's spinning tires will do the rest. Of course, women don't know this so to them you have just moved an object that weight a ton or two without even breaking a sweat. Silly women, if they'd only leave the kitchen for a minute or two, they'd learn so much. Oh well, genetics are genetics"
Since you've already basically proven to her that nothing in the world is more powerful than your auto-moving muscles, we need to show her your sensitive side. Inside the heart of every woman lives a desire to find a man who can be caring and nurturing. It's true. Even the girl who spends her nights dancing on bars, drinking tequila from another girl's navel and doling out over-the-pants handies to half the dudes in the frat houses an internal, matronly desire. It is because of this that women are attracted to men who can show that underneath all the beer bongs and date-rape accusations is a man who is can be a competent and devoted father. Since kids love nothing more than hurling ice-balls at each other all winter, you can capitalize on that by joining. The scene: you and your lady continue your walk through the snow-covered landscape. She's already digging your super-human strength from your earlier car extrication but it's now time to show her you're more than a muscle-bound He Man. Join in a snowball fight with the local kids but and this is very important resist all temptation to bean the little bastards with gravel-filled pain-balls. No, instead you must let them win. That's right, let the kids cover you with snow and mock-plead for mercy from them. It may be painful to swallow so much pride in one snowy gulp but it must be done because after you dig all of the ice out of your shirt and thaw what's left of your fingers, your lady will be left with but one thought: "what a nice guy."
By simply performing these two feats, you have shown your woman your manliness. You've shown her your raw power and you've also shown her your sensitive restraint. Yes, you easily could have embedded an icicle two inches in that kid's arm but you didn't; you let him show snow down the front of your shirt instead. And best of all, you did it all while laughing, as if this is something you'd do everyday if you could. So, stop worrying that you won't be able to show off your bulging muscles and neatly waxed lower back all winter long because you can be just as appealing by simply taking a walk in the snow.