Oh man, this party is great. Seriously, I can't believe all these people showed. It's like we're back in college again. I can't believe it's almost been a year since we graduated. I know, right? Crazy. Oh hey, look, it's Tina. Have you talked to her yet? Engaged? Really? But she was so crazy in college; remember the pudding thing? Oh yeah, you remember the pudding thing. There must have been, like, thirty girls in there with that pig. That was great. She's the regional manager of an office supply company now? Wow, couldn't have picture Tina doing that, but whatever, there are plenty of hotties at this party.

Oh man, look at Lauren. Damn, she looks great. Is she engaged too? No? Awesome. Wait, who is Christian? Ohhhh, you mean she's a Christian now? Like, a good one? Like, all 'holier-than-thou, Christ-crusading' Christian? Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't she the one who blew the entire third floor of Finlay when we were sophomores? And then she let that guy take all those pictures of her. Classic Lauren, man; classic. Oh great, here she comes with the pamphlets. C'mon, let's go to the kitchen.

Whoa, Missy Hammel? How are you? Cool, cool. You…you look different. Oh, you're right, new haircut. How could I have missed it? It looks great. Great to see you too!

Dude, Missy is a fucking WHALE! She must have gained 80 pounds since we left college. That's, like, 10 pounds a month. Gross. Who lives in this apartment anyway? John? You mean J-Dawg? Mister Fister? HE lives here? Oh man, that guy was fucking nuts. How did he managed to get such a great place? Lawsuit? Against who? His frat? You're telling me he sued his own frat for weight gain due to the pressures the organization put on him? But wasn't he fat to begin with? Well, if you ask me that's the wrong way to get rich. Well, yeah, I'm still jealous but still, you don't sue your own frat. Man, what a douche.

Your future awaits…
Oh shit, is that fucking Beanbag Burton? Beanbag! What's up, dude? Yo, it's great to see you, man. I'm doing well, man. Just got a promotion at the auto insurance place. Yeah, it's, like, $500 more a year, plus I get dental now. What's up with you? How's the big city? The big job? Investments, right? Oh…oh…well, how could you have known they required a drug test to work there? At home with the folks then? That's cool too, I guess. Hey, rent free, right? No…no, I'm not making fun of you. C'mon man, I wouldn't do that, buddy. Yeah man, I'll see you later.

Oh man, how sad is that, right? Hey, isn't that Todd Williams? Remember, he was that kid who used to host all those talent show things they did? He was gonna be a comedian, remember? Hey Todd, come over and say hi, man. What's new, buddy? How's the stage treating you? Gave it up? Really? Yeah, I guess you wouldn't make much money, huh. Yeah, you're right, market analysis sounds wayyyy better anyway. No, it's really OK. No, really, you don't have to. Seriously, I probably won't even understand what you're talking about anyway.

45 minutes later

Ok, Todd. Thanks for filling me in on the ins and outs of grain market analysis. Yeah…yeah, we'll definitely get that drink sometime. Later.

Dude, what happened to everyone? Tina left half an hour ago with her fiancĂ©, Lauren is outside offering to drive drunk people home, J-Dawg is suing his old best friends, Beanbag is begging everyone to get him an interview at their job and Todd had to go home to 'get an early start' tomorrow. Why is everyone so fucking lame now? I mean, we used to party it up. We were legendary. We used to fuck ten girls a piece and that was before we even left the house. We used to…Oh shit! I just got dip all over my khakis! Damn it. You know that stuff doesn't come out of the pleats, either. Great. Well, my night is ruined. And you know what the worst part is? I have to go by different loafers now because these don't match my other chinos. Perfect…just perfect.

Visit StreeterSeidell.com to waste even more time.