By Caldwell Tanner
Your Life's Supervillains
Image Note: These should look like old, silver age-style comics.
Title: Held captive In the creative clutches of your own IMAGINATION
Image: A child hides in bed while a monster comes out of the closet. One looks like a combination of several monster movies.
Monster: “I’M GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE! ALSO YOUR PARENTS ARE HAVING ANOTHER BABY THAT THEY’LL LOVE MORE THAN YOU.”
Caption: When you don’t know how anything works, anything is possible!
Title: Ravaged by the transforming touch of PUBERTY
Image: A hideous cyclops-esque monster made of pimples and hair. He is firing a blast of milky white energy out of his hands. It is gross.
Puberty: “One zap from my Hormone ray and you’ll never be able to wear sweatpants in class AGAIN!
Caption: “Things are going to get HAIRY.”
Ttile: They just don’t understand! OLD PEOPLE
Image: A zombie like army of old people approach, the one in front wears a cape-like bathrobe and is shaking his fist menacingly.
Old People: You kids think you’re so smart and cool, but just wait. One day you’ll be JUST LIKE ME.
Caption: “Doomed prophets from a distant future where everything sucks!”
YOUNG ADULT COMICS
Title: A tale from deep in the depths of debt! POVERTY
Image: A dalek-esque robot banker with vaccuums for arms and an ATM for a chest. He sucks up all your money.
Robot: I HOPE YOU LIKE SINGLE-PLY TOILET PAPER, BECAUSE IT’S ALL YOU CAN AFFORD NOW.
Caption: “The buck stops here, and then goes straight towards paying off your STUDENT LOANS.”
Title: A Big Gutted Goro-figure with eight arms, each holding a different delicious food. He wears a Luchador style mask and wrestling tights.
Title: Your oldest ally has become your greatest foe! METABOLISM
Metabolism: Now the spirits of all the food you’ve ever eaten will haunt your body FOR ALL ETERNITY!
Caption: Slow and steady gains the weight!
Title: He Became What He Hated! OLD AGE
Image: An old man yells at a bunch of teens. They recoil in shock
Old Man Thought: My god, the prophecy, it’s...it’s come true!
Old Man: You kids think you’re so smart and cool, but just wait. One day you’ll be JUST LIKE ME.
Caption: “The circle of life just became... a SQUARE”