So a new semester is upon us. If you've made it to the spring semester, it means several things: you were able to hack into the college's mainframe and up your 0.4 GPA to a respectable 1.2, that you and your roommate were able to get past the fact that you are complete opposites (he's a liberal, you're a douchebag), and that you can now drink to within fluid milliliters of kidney failure. Congratulations!

Unfortunately, I've got some bad news for you. Remember the money that you earned from either your summer job as a lifeguard in that old folks home (you can't resist the allure of soaking wet trunks clinging to the balls of an old man, can you?) or that your parents wired to you for "books" (a.k.a. drugs)? Yeah. That money is gone.

You're left with two options; you can either sell your body to science or get yourself a job. As exciting as an experimental project where you grow a boob on your back may sound (hey, at least you'd make it on this website), let me advise you to follow option number two"" the job. Please, please step down from that stool and get that rope off your neck. No, I don't care if you were just going to masturbate, it's still weird. Now listen to me. You can get a job right on your campus!

That's right! Your campus is brimming with employment options for broke losers like yourself. And as long as you don't mind being underpaid, overworked, underappreciated and overexploited, you can actually have some fun as well.

Before you recklessly plunge headfirst into an occupation, however, there are some things you have to consider.

First of all, you have to work to your strengths. If possible, find a job that applies to your major. I work in a writing center, because I am a writing major and know the difference between "your" (belonging to you), "you're" (the contraction for "you are"), "ore" (a mineral from which a metal can be extracted) and "O.A.R." (a shitty band that only chicks and pussies like). Some possible major/job combinations to consider are: Art/painting dorm rooms, Public Relations/designing brochures that lie about how great your college is, Business/sexing up administrators, Political Science/plunging toilets and English/collecting cans and bottles in a shopping cart for the 5 cent deposit. Use those skills you've learned!

Next, make sure that the job has flexible hours that fit in with your rigorous schedule. That means you need a boss who doesn't care if you don't show up because your roommates decided to build a castle out of old cases of Natty Ice and make you the beautiful princess stuck in the top. Don't worry about the job conflicting with your classes though, cuz who goes to them anyway, right? Shit yeah. You're a rebel.

Also make sure that the job allows for some personal time. Frequent breaks and lulls in business afford time for yourself. That can mean different things to different people: reading a chapter for a class, surfing the Internet, masturbating with the door unlocked for that extra air of danger, whatever.

Finally, you need a job that allows for some socializing. Working with a bunch of people old enough to be your parents isn't exactly great for your social life, unless you like reliving the 70s and having weird people cling to you for some taste of youth like fucking vampires of cool. Try to find a job with either people you already know or a bunch of people you'd like to know, like the artsy crowd or the Black Panthers. Or even better, find out where that cutie works and totally stalk them out (thanks, Facebook!). He or she will be so impressed by your creepy commitment that they'll be sure to please you sexually during every free moment until your body, bruised and sweaty, can't handle even another touch. God, I need a girlfriend.

So get out off your couch, out there and get working! If you need a reference though, be sure to ask someone else.