Brandy, 15: My boyfriend Mansuelo is good at two things: driving cars really fast and getting girls really pregnant. We did it last Friday and now I'm already eight weeks knocked up. How do I let him know?

In Response: When someone gives you a gift – be it a tea service or a half-Latino bastard-baby – it's only polite to send a thank you note. I'd recommend a heavy bond paper or card stock, and a fine-tip calligraphy pen for the lettering. Also, make sure the recipient has a permanent address. The Postal Service will refuse delivery to street intersections or Park "'n' Rides.

Krissy, 15: I hate my asshole step-mom and her new boyfriend. They never let me stay out late on a school night, and they freak out on me whenever I ask them to do something as simple as babysit my two-year-old. So of course, I get back at them by cutting myself on my wrists and forearms with a safety razor. These scars show them, but they also show up at embarrassing times (school, parole board hearings, trips to the zoo). What's the best way to hide these emotional physical scars?

In Response: Unsightly blemishes can be quite the faux pas. Remember the ladies formalwear rules of thumb: Match necklace with earrings, long gloves for improperly-manicured nails, and only carve things into yourself on the upper thigh. Any other location is bound to be seen by someone else, and therefore, rude.

Tammy, 17: My cat keeps shitting all over my couch, and it's embarrassing when people come over. Actually, he's not my cat, but I'm holding on to him "'til someone gets out of prison, Mexican prison.

In Response: Oh my, how unpleasant – a couch! Even though you are not fortunate enough to own a chaise lounge, I will nonetheless give you advice. First, cats must be taught manners, much the same as human beings or Italians. They should be sternly reproached when doing something impolite – take for example, couch-shitting. I recommend a mean glance and a cold tone of voice. When they do something correctly, then reward them with a slightly less mean glance. This will ensure proper manners in both man and beast alike. To wit, I once owned a dog who would embarrass me in public with things like leg-humping and denying the Holocaust ever happened. But since proper training, it has been ages since he humped a leg.

Other Brandy, 14: Last night my dad told me I had to finish my dinner before I went to the park to get high, so I did what any normal 14-year-old would do and ran away from home. How long do I have to crash on my friend's sofa-bed before my dad will think I've been horribly killed?

In Response: Bottom line, Brandy: you acted rudely. You should never, ever leave before someone begins to clear the dinner table. So unless your father whipped a gravy boat at your head, then a cluck of the tongue to you young lady.

Chastity, 16: The other day me and my boyfriend were at JoJo's house passing around forties of Panther Honey Dark. One of the other guys there (name of Deuce) had some open sores on his lip, and this morning I woke up with red bumps all up ons my griddle cake. The fuck?

In Response: Oh Chastity, this could have been avoided had you known the proper manners of mixed company. First and foremost, you shan't pass Forty-Ouncers in such a setting! In this situation, the gentlemen are to retire to the drawing room (or, if your house doesn't have a drawing room, use the conservatory or one of the libraries) and pass forties among themselves. Their talk will turn to politics and other matters of import. The women should retire to the parlor and pass Forties while sewing and speaking little.

Brandy, 14: What's the proper way for me to kill my parents?

In Response: Chilled Salad Fork, second from the left.