We all know the drinking games to assist in that age old hobby of getting – how do you say it – plastered? And I don't mean freshman-girl-plastered, but more like seventh year senior-frat boy-plastered. It really doesn't matter what your motivation is to drink as long as you remember to drink and to drink often. Maybe you will "drink every time Ron Burgundy says "'Stay classy!'" or "take a shot every time you laughed just to fit in while watching Napoleon Dynamite." You don't even have to drink during just movies. For example, a favorite game of mine is to take a shot every time my dried tears blur an entry in my diary. But most people are more familiar with television related drinking games, so let's just go with that. Here they are in no particular order (except alphabetical), the most inappropriate movie drinking games ever created. If you carefully follow these instructions, you should be pissing on other people's property in no time.

American History X – Take a drink every time you spot a swastika. Another drink whenever Edward Norton appears shirtless and surprisingly buff. Take two shots every time someone receives death by curbing, three shots every time Norton is raped in a prison shower, and of course you will take an additional drink every time you imagine watching the movie with someone who isn't of a "pure race" and think about how goddamn awkward it would be.


Cabin Fever – Take a few drinks when Shawn from Boy Meets World fingers a girl's bloody wound. But first put your pants back on, you sick bastard.






Fight Club – Take a shot for each scene where you secretly hope a nude Brad Pitt will start wrestling with an also nude Edward Norton, while all three of you become aroused. Directly following that, drink the rest of the entire bottle as you quickly notice a homosexual trend to these drinking games, especially including Edward Norton movies. Dude, it's cool; I don't judge.


Forrest Gump – Take a shot for each time you would have gotten off that bus stop and started walking to your destination rather than listening to some mentally challenged dude's metaphorical ramblings about shrimp, chocolate, and some additional 6-Academy-Award-winning randomness.


Grizzly Man – Take a shot every time the late animal enthusiast thinks it's normal to go to Alaska and pet a wild fucking grizzly bear! That's just the circle of life folks, and bears rank higher in the food chain over insane people. The bears won, get over it.




Hard Ball – Take two shots in every scene where that one little kid sings the Notorious B.I.G. song during little league baseball games. You remember which kid I'm referring to right? Think "the kid who later got shot in his tiny, little beating heart." Yeah" him.




Million Dollar Baby – Every time you think Hilary Swank is so hideous that she eventually got what she deserved, take a drink. By the end, you should be loaded and she might not be quite as disgusting anymore so you could start to feel a little bad, but just remember that old Chinese proverb that says "Ugly people don't deserve to live." And always remember the priceless moral of this fine movie, which clearly tries to say that girls suck at sports even when Clint Eastwood is training them.


Old Yeller – Take a shot every time that whiny little pussy is crying about is dog dying. "Boo hoo, please don't shoot my loyal, childhood companion!"

Cry me a river, drama queen.






Saving Private Ryan – Take a shot for each girl you know that honestly believes that Pearl Harbor was the more realistic movie. Normally when I (and the majority of men) deem a movie "realistic", we take into consideration which film is more similar to actual events that really happened as opposed to which is the bigger, steaming blend of shitty acting and romantic propaganda.


Schindler's List – Okay now you're just taking it a little overboard. Take a shot every time you feel your buzz getting killed, asshole.







Sixth Sense – Take a shot each time you wish that little kid was really just hallucinating as a result of his rampant case of bird flu that he fully deserves.






Titanic – Take two drinks every time you imagine what Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet's beautiful, future addict of a baby would have looked like had they survived the shipwreck and reproduced. Also, don't forget to take a shot every passing minute until the scene where you see her boob. That's when you can happily pass out since it is pretty much the climax (pun intended) of the movie. Man, I'd like to sink her cruise ship" if you know what I mean. (Get it? It means I'd enjoy partaking in sexual intercourse with her.)