I make out with a lot of skanky chicks. A LOT of them. They're also really hot. The upside is obvious, but the downside is that my indiscriminate sexual practices will eventually lead to a few of those diseases you always see on brochures at the clinic. (Yeah, free condoms!) Unfortunately, I'll be spreading my cooties nationwide, since I'm not about to stop making out with hot, skanky chicks. That means that one of these days, I'm going to pick up the phone and a girl (hot and skanky) will yell, "You gave me ——-*!!!" So I've come up with a list of six responses designed to diffuse the situation, and I'd like to share them in case you find yourself in a similar predicament. With any luck, you and your leper will look back on the conversation months later and laugh, your smiles rimmed with the open sores of love.

*For the sake of argument, let's say it's Herpes, or as I like to call it: Mother Nature's Pyramid Scheme.


1)"Slurpees? I'd love one!"
This is great because everyone likes Slurpees, unless they're Communists. I refuse to recognize any blue or green flavors of Slurpee, but just thinking about a delicious parfait of cherry and Coke Slurpee is guaranteed to distract her long enough for you to change the subject. If you're really good, throw in a Jedi-Mind-Trick-Finger-Sweep and you might just get yourself a free Slurpee. On the off chance that he or she says they don't like Slurpees and need to talk about their herpes, tell them that the two of you have more important things to discuss. Like their membership in the Communist Party.

(This one is somewhat specialized, because currently I know of no 7-11 beverages that rhyme with "Syphilis" or "Gonorrhea".)


What were you saying
about giving me something?
2)"It was between that and a 25 dollar gift card to iTunes, and you know I hate giving gift cards. They're so impersonal."
Something about my habit of numbering them gives women the impression that I don't think of them as people. Nothing could be further from the truth, and when I look in her eyes and tell her this, she'll know that regardless of whether I picked the best way to show it, I was thinking of her. And that's what women really want, according to Number Eleven. Guys will also appreciate the gesture. All the same, it might be best if you also have a 25 dollar gift card on you.

3)"No, I gave you genital warts" you'll see."
With this reply, you really give yourself an air of mystery, and both guys and girls dig that. (Thanks again, Number Eleven!) You know something they don't know. Keep in mind that's why so many women sleep with James Bond. This approach is best if you don't really have genital warts, because then you can wait a second, let it sink in, then break the tension by yelling "Just kidding! Anyway, I was thinking about getting a cheeseburger. Are you gonna want some of my fries?" and the herpes talk is done. If you do have genital warts, wait until he or she yells "You gave me genital warts???" and then reply, "No, I gave you herpes." Repeat as necessary.

4)"Here, this will help. (Punch him or her in the shoulder.) NOT THINKING ABOUT YOUR HERPES NOW, ARE YOU?!"
This is how my older brother dealt with: black eyes, broken legs, ruptured spleens, and our dog dying of cancer. And y'know what? I really did stop thinking about them.

5)"Yeah, well dogs mark their territory with urine. Which would you prefer?"
It's a good point. I know I really don't want to get peed on. I'm down for a whole lot of unorthodox bed-time activities, but mining for liquid gold just isn't one of them. Even more, if whoever you're talking to had any questions about how serious your relationship was, now they'll know. You were going to make them your territory, and that's commitment.

6)"If I had a nickel" "
Hopefully, he or she will give you a nickel. It's not much, but if you can turn any financial profit out of giving someone herpes, you are a CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY. (Next, try and give Warren Buffet herpes, and when he says "You gave me herpes!" reply, "If I had a million dollars" ")

Of course, this is all kind of academic, because except for Number Eleven, the hot skanky chick part was a lie.