People love soda, there's no arguing that. Soda is so popular that people have convinced themselves that drinking Sprite after playing basketball is a good idea and that Coca Cola is somehow enjoyed by polar bears and penguins alike – the only thing polar bears and penguins both enjoy is tasty fish" and not being bludgeoned to death by fur traders. Anyways, we really love soda "'round these parts and there's no better way to tell what kind of person someone is just by finding out which kind of soda they like. It's like making judgments based on race, except that nobody is going to get all "'oh no he didn't' on you.

Coke – No, not the kind everyone in your frat totally just does "'for fun, like, on the weekends and shit" what? I'm not addicted"; the kind you drink, silly. A typical Coke drinker has his stuff together. He knows what he wants and he's not afraid to ingest a few extra pounds of processed sugar every year to get it. He probably listens to OAR and DMB and any other band whose name can be represented by three letters. Most of all though, a Coke drinker is a Coke drinker for life. Don't even think about bringing a Pepsi near this guy; he just might make a quiet comment about how he "'just likes coke better' and go back to listening to Live at Luther College. What a fucking maniac!

Diet Coke – Unlike regular Coke, this fun-free version of soda is for those with horrible body image. They all pretend to enjoy the taste of Diet Coke but, let's be honest, if people liked the taste of flat artificial sweetener sales of DayQuil would be through the roof. No, a Diet Coke drinker lives in an un-ending cycle of depression, insecurity and tasteless mouth phlegm. Also, unlike real Coke drinkers, Diet Coke drinkers – always conscious of their bodies – are far more likely to enjoy the powdered version.

Sprite – If you drink Sprite you're one of two things: black, or desperately trying to be. Sprite is almost exclusively marketed to black, urban youths and has found a home in the taste buds of the next generation of people your Grandparents will hate for no real reason at all. Sprite is also marketed as a great post-basketball cocktail, which is just ridiculous: the last thing anyone wants after playing an intense game of b-ball is to suck back on a beverage that is so crisp and bubbly it actually brings tears of pain to your eyes. Oh, and if any black people are wondering why there is still racism in this country, I have found the answer: that stupid little doll in all the commercials. "Show them my motto!" he shrieks at every commercial break; a shameless, minstrel show parody of a black man. Way to go Sprite; between you and McDonalds, we'll have separate water fountains by 2010.

Pepsi – Whoa, you're a fucking rebel, brah! Most Pepsi drinkers like to fancy themselves anti-establishment. They probably listen to punk or emo and blame anything they can on their parents, who are probably nice, middleclass folks trying as hard as they can to give their children better lives than they had. Selfish brats. Anyways, the Pepsi drinker – being anti, remember – will denounce anything that becomes popular, except Pepsi, they'll always love Pepsi. Someday they may get a real job and stop trying to be a rock star, but they'll always keep a Pepsi stashed away somewhere in the garage just to remember what it was like to have a dream. Some say that Pepsi tastes better than Coke and some disagree, but I think we can all agree on one thing: people who drink RC Cola are weird and probably dangerous.

A&W Root Beer – People who like root beer most likely are sexual deviants. Sure, they can have sex the normal way but they're more likely to ask you to do something weird. "So you want me to put my toe where?" you'll find yourself saying if you hook up with a root beer drinker. Why are root beer enthusiasts – or Rooties, as they prefer to be called – so strange? It has something to do with maturing very quickly. You see, Rooties do everything early and, when they are of an appropriate age to engage in sexual practices, they have probably been there and, literally, done that. Why else would they want to drink a beer-like beverage as children? I think I've made my (incorrect) point.

Ginger Ale – Ginger Ale drinkers are a special case. As far as I know, Ginger Ale is the only soda with proven medicinal value. Therefore, it is difficult to know if a G.A. drinker has a chronically upset stomach or is an old geezer trapped in the body of a young loser. I can understand drinking this swill if your stomach feels like someone is living inside it, twisting your innards with a wrench, but drinking this garbage for fun or pleasure is beyond the grasp of all human understanding. Ginger Ale is, in my opinion, the only soda that tastes so bad you have to dump hard alcohol in it to make it tolerable.

Jolt – Here's a novel idea: make a soda that tastes very similar to Coke but with enough caffeine to scare away most speed addicts. If you're drinking Jolt past the age of twelve, you were probably raised in a very religious home where your parents didn't let you do anything fun. For you, that lightening bolt-inscribed can is liquid rebellion you and Jesus can feel good about. For everyone else though, it's just pathetic. You're a grownup now; if you want to stay up late and be jittery try your roommates Ritalin instead.

7-Up – Come to think of it, I haven't seen anyone drinking 7-Up in about five years. Do they still make that crap?

Caffeine Free Diet Coke – As far as I know, my dad is the only person in the country who enjoys this soda. If you're interested in trying this brew experience it the same way my dad does by following these simple steps:
1. Leave soda on counter for two weeks to get it warm
2. Open soda
3. DO NOT replace the top
4. Wait another week letting soda morph into flat tar
5. Remove pants, sit in recliner and turn on Law and Order: SVU
6. Enjoy!

Jones Soda – How's that Mango Chutney Ginger Cola treating you, you fucking freak.