Let's face it: we all have a MySpace. Millions of users register on the site each day so the odds agree with me, people. If you don't know what MySpace is, you're in the minority. But not the kind of minority that you stereotype; I mean a general representation of fewer people. Incase you don't know, MySpace is basically the Facebook for college dropouts (or those winners who never even bothered at a higher education) since you don't need a university e-mail address to register. However, you do need to have a basic understanding of how to be infuriating, narcissistic, and master the ability to be an overall terrible human being. Here I will give you a beginner's guide to sucking at MySpace, even if most of you don't need it.

Let's begin with your page layout. You're going to want to go completely overboard on it. Choose, let's say, a yellow font over a bright orange background. Then insert as many moving, sparkly, chartreuse colored items in the most unorganized way possible that will make me really want to come up with a generic metaphor for seriously injuring my eyes.

Always make sure your default picture is a self taken portrait with less than average quality. If a friend snapped the picture in appropriate lighting, delete it immediately. Now try and imagine something very depressing; perhaps how you felt when you realized there was no Santa Clause or how you'll feel when you decide to retire and realize there's no Social Security. Now hold the camera out at an arm's length randomly snapping pictures of that gloomy stare. Another basic step is to never set your display name to accurately resemble your real name. Never! Instead of "Becky," you should now be known as []*MeNd THiS BLeeDing HeaRt*[].

Insert an irritating music video into your profile. Never under any circumstance place it near the top of your profile, because then it's possible to pause it before interrupting the good music that I've already been listening to. One of the biggest mistakes made by people who do not suck at MySpace is not being annoying enough. If you want to ensure a satisfactory level of displeasure in anyone that comes across your profile, I suggest adding a totally different song in your profile that starts playing at the same time as the initial music video. I think a Kanye West song playing over a Clay Aiken video would suffice. But please remember to make me scroll and search for them!

Here's an important one: you know the bulletin feature which lets you write a message to all of your friends at once? Overuse it! You should be asking for picture comments and other undeserved attention at least nine times per week. It may be tough to squeeze all of this begging for acknowledgement in between having sex with random men to make yourself feel prettier but trust me, this step is very crucial. Just remember that nine is only the minimum, so I want you to feel free to really go nuts with it.

Make more great use of the bulletin feature, asking which of your friends would like to date you, fool around, or get together for some sweet, sweet, emotionally vacant sex. You should expect honest responses regarding this topic because you have no soul.

Post a fictitious story that tries to prove men are the most horrible things since slavery, the UPN network, and the Holocaust combined. "One day Sally was rushing home to tell her boyfriend how much she loved him. She even planned on promising him unlimited blowjobs whenever he wanted! But Billy did not appreciate her and never made time for her in between his hobbies of throwing hard objects at babies and lynching the homeless. Sally got so upset that she wasn't paying attention to the road, ran a red light and got hit by a driver who had the right of way. This "obeying civilian" was a man and therefore was to blame. For the rest of Billy's life, he regretted not treating her more like girls are treated in romantic comedies!" It doesn't even matter if the story makes no sense, as long as it has the potential to brainwash a portion of naïve girls.

Keep overusing those bulletins, people! This time, I want you to notify everyone on your friends list as to what your dating status is. What's that? Oh, don't be silly; of COURSE we care!! Now, you should do this by assigning a color to each possible situation. For example, "Blue=single and content; Red=single and looking; Yellow=taken; Green=taken but banging your boyfriend's brother" and so on.

Don't slow down with the bulletins just yet! Post another one with enclosed test results showing "how naughty u r" by listing which risqué activities you have completed. Some examples of these activities include smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, sneaking out of the house, being pregnant, and bestiality.

If you still cannot sense sheer frustration out of each and every one of your friends, then you have failed at following my instructions. But don't worry; there is one last tactic we can try to help you complete your task of sucking at MySpace: be a 7th grade girl registered on MySpace.


Hey, if you're on MySpace, you'll want one of these